Shadow Lives
by Kizmet
Summary: But that's not my point, point is everyone's got things they wish they hadn't done, and in our little group of aquaintances they're uglier than most folks'. Learn to live with it. Hopefully the whole of the last chapter is up this time
1. Calling out the Dead

Shadow Lives

Author's Notes: This story is AU from "Epiphany" on AtS and "The Gift" on BtVS.  In the story Lindsey didn't catch up with Angel until after Cordy had been rescued.  

Part 1: Calling out the Dead
    
                  "So, um, in your reality, I'm like this bad-ass vampire, huh?  People afraid of me?  
    
                    …Oh, yeah. I'm bad."  - Xander, "Dopplegangland"

Anya carefully examined the sigils drawn on the floor then took a deep breath.

The first time she'd sought power through magic it was because of love scorned, it lead her to become a vengeance demon.  Once she'd adapted to her second time as a human she'd sworn off magic.

The second time around all she'd wanted was a normal life with the man she loved, unfortunately that man was friends with the Slayer.

He fought demons and saved the world even after the Slayer was gone.  And less than a month after they'd become engaged, a month after Buffy had died saving Dawn and the world, Xander died.  He was killed while trying to fill in for the girl who sacrificed herself for the world even though the world still needed her to fight for it.

In her first life Anya turned to magic to avenge a love scorned, in her second she turned to magic to recover a love lost.

It had taken five years of studying and planning and waiting.  Five lonely years, but it was all going to be worth it.

Anya kissed the engagement ring she still wore for luck and began chanting.

A few minutes later the candles all blew out and two bodies appeared on the floor.  Anya frowned but finished the spell.

Once it was done she stared down at the pair in consternation.  "I was only aiming for Xander," she said then shrugged.  It could have turned out worse.  At least she had Xander or his body anyway.

Anya picked up a crystalline orb in preparation for the next spell she needed to cast.

"Spirits of the interregnum…" she began.

Cordelia stared blankly at the ceiling as she lay in bed trying not to think.  Today she wouldn't go in to the office, didn't want to hear Wesley or Gunn's voices, didn't want to see their eyes, didn't want to be reminded.

"Cordy are you all right?" a soft uncertain voice echoed through her memories and Cordelia groaned, she couldn't escape it.

"No…" her own voice replied across the barrier of year.  Paused just long enough to alarm him then added.  "You hurt my feelings."

Hurt feelings, it had been such a stupid, infantile thing to bring up.  Cordelia supposed she should be grateful she hadn't thought of something worse.

Then the three of them had walked out, left him behind.  Bruised, battered and defeated even though, technically he'd won... against the demons anyway.

The after they got back to her place they'd had a conference, decided that even though he'd saved their lives earlier that night, they weren't going back to him.  They wouldn't forgive him.

After that they'd gone home for some much needed sleep.  When they opened the office the next evening they'd waited for him to come so they could tell him that he'd gone too far and that too much had happened for things to go back to the way they'd been.  They waited and time passed, they got impatient, angry even, how dare he not come and beg them to take him back?

Finally the door opened, only it wasn't Angel.  Lindsey strode in, dressed like a first class redneck and looking unbearably smug.

"I just had to tell someone," he'd said.  "What's the fun in winning if you can't gloat?"

"What do you want Lindsey?" Wesley had asked impatiently.

"Angel's dust," The lawyer had said grinning widely.  "God how I love saying that."

Whistling cheerfully, Lindsey had turned and walked out, leaving three stunned individuals behind him.

That had been five years ago today.  They had told themselves that they didn't care; whatever epiphany Angel had had, it had come too late.  They didn't need him, they didn't want him and it just didn't matter that he was gone.

They tried to forget him.  Cordy didn't know how successful the others had been, but she had almost done it.  Too bad this wasn't one of the two times where almost counted.  When Angel surfaced in her mind it was always the same memory, the one she couldn't get rid of.  

The anger she'd felt when he abandoned them was in ashes.  The good times that had come before had no more substance than a dream but the memory of concerned brown eyes set in a bruised and battered face, slowly filling with pain as her rejection sunk in was as crystal clear today as it had been that night.

They'd left him alone, walked out after he'd been hurt saving their lives and later that night he'd died… Alone.

Cordelia buried her face in her pillow, stifling sobs for a broken friendship that might have mended if she'd given it a chance.

In the background the phone rang, Cordelia ignored it.  Eventually the answering machine picked it up.

"Cordelia," Anya's strident voice began.  "You have to come to Sunnydale.  You have to take Angel away."

Cordelia sat up and stared at the phone.  After Anya had hung-up she cautiously approached it.  After a brief internal struggle she pushed play, the message hadn't changed.

Slowly she dialed Wesley's home number, knowing without ever having asked, that he wouldn't have opened the agency on this date.

"Wes, it's Cordy," she said in a choked voice.  "Pick up the phone, I need to talk to you."

"You're here, finally," Anya greeted them at the door.  "Angel's hiding in the basement; please take him away.  I have enough problems without him."

"Anya, you do know that Angel is dead?" Wesley asked.

"Anh's good at fixing little details like that," Xander said bitterly stepping into the room.

"Xander…" Cordelia said faintly.  "I went to your funeral."

"Yeah, well welcome to Sunnydale, where everyone gets to die at least twice." Xander replied with a harsh laugh.  "I told you, Anh fixed that, only she got two vampires for the price of one."

"Two vampires?" Cordelia questioned stepping back nervously. 

"Don't worry, I put his soul back," Anya assured her.  "I even took out the clause because no sex would just be unpleasant."

"How?" Cordelia asked.

"Remember the vampire-Willow from senior year?" Xander asked.  "Anya brought the other me from that dimension here, stuck in a soul and called it good."

"But you know Anya?" Wesley asked.

"Oh that's the fun part," Xander said.  "My body was in this dimension when the restoration was performed, that's the version of my soul that's in here, along with the demon.  The soul that originally came with this body is still happily dead."

"And Angel?" Cordelia asked, uncomfortable with this new, dark version of Xander.

"I told you he's hiding in the basement," Anya interjected.

"Why, what from?" Cordelia demanded.

"Anh didn't need to resoul him," Xander said sadly.  "All he remembers is the other place.  He's hiding from me."

"Which is why you should take him away.  He makes Xander uncomfortable," Anya said.  "Now, please."

Bewildered Cordelia and Wesley cautiously entered the basement.

"Angel?" Cordelia called hopefully.

A rustling sounded in the darkness and Angel appeared, his pale skin and ragged faded clothes making him look ghostly.  "You're human," he said in a voice rough from disuse.

"Angel!" Cordelia cried ecstatically, running to him and throwing her arms around his neck before he'd fully registered her intent.

As her weight crashed into him, Angel cried out in pain and fell.

"I'm sorry," Cordelia exclaimed as Angel scuttled back into the shadows. "I just never thought I'd see you again."

"I don't know you," Angel said suspiciously.

"If things had happened differently we would have been friends," Wesley said sorrowfully.

"What do you want from me?" Angel demanded, eyes darting from Wesley to Cordelia fearfully.

"Nothing, you need a place to stay, somewhere safe.  Time to collect yourself.  We can give you that." Wesley answered.

"Why?" Angel asked.

"We lost someone very like you.  In remembrance of him we'd like to help you." Wesley answered.

"Or you could just stay here with Xander," Cordelia added.

Xander stood at the side of the window watching as Wesley's car vanished into the night.

"Okay, he's gone, everything's good now, right?" Anya asked.

"Why'd you do this to me?" he asked.

"I love you," she said.  "And I missed you."

"So you show it by cursing me?" Xander asked angrily.

"You can't lose your soul," Anya reassured him.  "So it's okay."

Xander choked on his laughter.  "You know I used to think that, but the torture isn't the clause.  That's just an added bit of nastiness.  The real torture is the curse."

"What do you mean?" Anya asked.

"Memories Anh, that's what it's all about.  Do you know what I remember?  I remember dying Anh.  I remember going home the next night.  I went up to my old room.   I didn't have to wait long.  Mom came up, crying like always, telling me how I wrecked her life and I told her what I thought of her.  She just stared at me in shock.  Then I reached out and I snapped her neck.  Around mid-morning Dad came home.  He was hung-over of course, tried to hit me, I caught his fist in mid-swing; crushed it.  I made him scream, I made him beg, I made him cry.  Then, when I got bored I drained what little blood was left in his body."

"The next night I went to Willow's house.  She wouldn't invite me in; it was against her parent's rules to have boys in her room.  Willow was always such a good girl, but not good enough.  She came outside to talk to me.  I changed her from my sweet, innocent, best friend into a monster.  I took her body down into the tunnels.  When she rose, she smiled up at me, her expression was exactly the same, but her eyes were so cold.  She reached up and pulled me down on top of her.  I ripped off her clothing and we did it right there on the ground."

"Neither of us had ever even had a romantic kiss before that night."

"After that we went out and won our places as the Master's new favorites.  It was hard coming up with something horrific enough to impress that jaded, old bastard, but we managed, repeatedly."

"But it wasn't you," Anya protested.

"It was these hands, this body, this mind.  I could tell you how their blood tasted, about the days that went into planning each new infamy.  The smell of my victims' terror, the sound of their screams, the way I enjoyed it all so very much.  If not me then who was it?  That's what you gave me when you brought me back.  I was better off dead."

"Welcome home," Cordelia said nervously as she escorted Angel into her apartment.  "Don't worry about the ghost, Dennis likes you."

Angel stepped tentatively into the apartment.  "Where do you want me?" he asked, his voice soft and submissive, his eyes never leaving the floor.

"You can have the spare bedroom," Cordelia said gesturing off-handedly in its direction.  "Some of your old stuff is in the closet."

Cordelia missed the puzzled frown that appeared briefly on Angel's face only to be replaced with blank acceptance.

"I didn't save any of your clothes though," Cordelia rattled on.  "We'll have to go shopping; the refugee thing is so very wrong for you."

"I'm sorry," Angel said.

"For that?  Geese Angel, loosen up, it's no big," Cordelia replied awkwardly.  "Look you're probably all mixed up from the dimensional shift and everything.  Why don't you go lie down?  You'll be more yourself after a nice rest."

With a relieved sigh Angel hurried to the room Cordelia had indicated earlier.  He picked a corner that wasn't visible from the door and sank to the ground.  Resting his head on his knees he fell asleep.

Cordelia crept into the darkened room and froze, staring at the empty, unslept in bed; tears welled up in her eyes.

As she turned to leave, she saw Angel curled up in the corner.  A slightly hysterical giggle crept up in Cordelia's throat; she put her hand over her mouth to muffle the sound.  For several long minutes she simply stood there, watching Angel.  Then she pulled a blanket off the bed and gently draped it over him.  For a second her hand hovered indecisively near his cheek.  Then very softly, she brushed the back of her hand against it.  

Cordelia smiled at the tangible proof of his presence, then quietly retreated back to her own room.

Angel remained totally motionless until he heard her breathing even out as she fell asleep, then he pulled his knees closer to his chest and began to shake.

 "It's sunset," Cordelia proclaimed sticking her head in Angel's room.  She frowned when she saw he was still in the exact same corner she'd found him in the day before.  "Time to go shopping," she finished her cheer sounding slightly forced.

Angel rose to his feet, watching Cordelia, clearly waiting for her next instruction.

"The car's out front, I'll drive," Cordelia continued.  "I got blood while you were sleeping, it's in the fridge.  You should probably eat before we go.  I mean you look half-starved.  I don't want any accidents and there are going to be tons of people, all of them blood having, at the mall."

Angel walked into the kitchen, a mug of blood floated across the room toward him.  He stared at it in confusion.  

"You'd better take it quick," Cordelia said.  "Dennis loves being helpful, but it's hard for him to hold things steady and I really don't want cow's blood all over the kitchen floor."

Angel took the mug and quickly downed it's contents then turned to watch Cordelia half-fearfully, half-expectantly.

"Just set it in the sink, we'll worry about it later," Cordelia said grabbing up keys and heading toward the door.  Angel did as she asked then followed her to the car.  "There are only three hours till the stores close and I really want to get you back into normal clothes."

At the mall the dark haired vampire hovered near Cordelia, flinching nervously every time someone looked at him or got too close.  

Cordelia watched him sadly.  After a few minutes she laced her arm through his and clasped his hand reassuringly.  "Nothing to worry about Angel," she said blinking back tears as she smiled up at him.  "I'm the queen of shopping, this is like my home territory, nothing gets the better of me here."

Cordelia quickly walked them to one of the quieter clothing stores.  When the salesman started toward them she decisively waved him way, "We're completely fine," she assured the man, "Don't worry about us."

The salesman frowned unhappily as he took in Angel's ragged appearance, but left them alone.  

Cordelia wandered through the store selecting a number of black slacks and shirts and handing them to Angel.  "We'll have you looking like your old self in no time," she reassured him.  "We'll get clothes tonight.  We should probably get them a little on the loose side, because with you eating right, you should put on twenty pounds or so.  Which will be way more healthy, plus I'll be much happier living with you once I can't see your ribs anymore.  Oh, and I know, we'll get some of that hair gel you used to like so much.  I can't remember the brand exactly, but I know my hair products, I'll find you something as good if not better."

"I think that's enough," Cordelia decided once they'd made a complete circuit of the store,  "Why don't you start trying things on?"

Angel lay the armful of clothing Cordelia had selected over a rack and started unbuttoning his shirt.  

Cordelia stared at him in shock and stunned mortification that quickly changed to horror as she saw the burn marks and other scars cris-crossing his chest.  "Oh my god," she whispered, looking away from him, only to see the salesman walking toward them.  "We're good!" She yelled at the man grabbing up the clothes and pulling Angel toward the dressing rooms.  "Leave us alone!"

In the privacy of the dressing room, a morbid curiosity forced Cordelia to finish taking off Angel's shirt, laying bare the various scars he'd collected.  Cordelia bit her lip to keep from sobbing as her fingers gently traced the unhealed wounds left from his life in the other dimension, tears streaming down her face.  "I'll never let anyone touch you again," she swore fiercely.  "Never again." 

"You're sure you don't want to come?" Anya asked.  "Willow, Dawn and Spike will all be there."

"What happened to Tara?" Xander asked tensely.

"She broke up with Willow then left," Anya replied, her tone indicating that even the former vengeance demon didn't want to talk about the subject.  "You should come," she reiterated instead.

"I don't want them to see me," Xander replied.

"Why not?  Willow will be ecstatic; you're really you even if you're a vampire, not at all like…  That isn't important, nothing you need to know about.  Anyway Dawn missed you too and anything that makes Dawn happy makes Spike happy." 

"It's because I'm a vampire," Xander explained impatiently.  "I don't want them to see me like this.  I don't want to see Willow and remember what I made her into."

"Well you can't hide in the house forever," Anya said.

"I don't," Xander replied.  "When you sleep I go out to patrol.  I figure someday I'll get lucky and something will kill me again.  But even that won't make things right.  Just by being in this body I feel like my soul's being contaminated by what it's done."

"Is that why you won't have sex with me?" Anya asked hesitantly.

"Yes! Goddamnit!  There's blood on my hands.  I don't even want to touch you with them!" Xander shouted.

"I want you to," Anya said tearfully.  "I want you back.  It's not like I'm Miss. Innocent, 1100-year-old vengeance demon remember?  I've done bad things too so why does it matter?  Why can't you be with me?  Did I make you dirty by loving you?"

Xander threw up his hands in disgust then disappeared into the night leaving Anya watching after him miserably.

Gunn couldn't help it; his eyes just kept drifting to the dusted vampire sitting in the corner of their office.

He knew he was staring and worse yet, Angel knew it and flinched every time he felt the weight of Gunn's gaze on him, but Gunn couldn't make himself stop; Angel had been dust for years and now he was sitting across the room from Gunn, only he wasn't.

At first glance the dark-haired man in the traditional black on black clothing was undeniably Angel, but when you looked past the familiar face that was when the doubts started.

The clothes were the right color, but they hung loosely on this man's gaunt frame.  The sleeves of his shirt didn't quiet cover the bands of shiny, white scar tissue around his wrists or his even whiter knuckles.  Angel had never clung to the furniture as if his hold on it were the only thing keeping him from fleeing the room.  Angel hadn't sat with his feet braced against the floor, ready to catapult himself out of harm's way at a moment's notice.  And Angel's eyes might have been equally dark with regrets, but they'd also been steady and receptive, where this man's eyes flickered nervously about the room, watching and waiting for the next blow.

Cordelia was constantly finding excuses to touch him, to reassure herself he was real.  Gunn was surprised that this Angel didn't cringe every time she did it, he couldn't believe that a person with Angel's mannerisms liked being touched and yet he made no effort to avoid Cordelia.

"Pretty soon we'll get a case.  You can help.  It'll be like old times," Cordelia was chattering with forced cheerfulness, patting Angel on the shoulder.  "Of course we've had to learn to be a lot more careful since you've been gone.  Wes, Gunn and I don't heal like you did… But that's a good thing, we'll teach you to be more careful too, then you won't get hurt so often.  I forgot how often you used to get hurt.   Careful is good, not getting hurt is better."

"Leave him alone Cordy," Gunn said abruptly.  "If you'd take off those damn rose-colored glasses you'd see he doesn't like you hangin' on him.  Further, we ain't taking him on any cases.  I've seen people like him before now.  He won't fight.  He can't.  He's forgotten how to do anything but endure a long time ago."

"No," Cordelia said.  "He's Angel."

"He isn't, not your Angel anyway, not your champion.  The only way someone could make things more clear is if they stamped the word victim across his forehead," Gunn replied.  "You gotta face it, Angel died the same night that Darla chick got vamped.  This is just another ghost."

"Fine," Cordelia snapped, "If you're going to be a jerk I'll just take Angel home.  He'll be back to normal in no time, just watch."

"Xander, you're really back," Willow squealed happily wrapping him in a bear hug the instant he walked into the door.

Xander went rigid in her arms, his mind flashing back to this same lithe body clad in skintight leather, smelling of arousal and blood as she rubbed herself against Puppy's body while he screamed in agony as her actions caused broken bones to shift under his skin, grating against each other, tearing soft tissues, exacerbating open wounds of all sorts.

The memory of the oft repeated scene was so clear Xander could almost see it.

Willow's blood red hair would hang forward, obscuring her face as she unlaced the leather corset she favored.  Xander would have even been able to hear her unneeded breath coming in ragged gasps.  He would watch her squirm out of her clothes, using the captive vampire's body as a sex toy as she moved, the pain she inflicted on her unwilling partner would only heightened her arousal.

Xander remembered how he would wait until Willow was naked then he would grab her and slam her to the floor on her back next to Puppy.  Willow would lay there staring up at him her lips parted, her eyes filled with lust as he pulled down his fly… 

Swallowing back bile Xander returned to the present, he pushed Willow's warm, welcoming form away from him and retreated to the bedroom.

"Xander?" Willow asked in hurt confusion.

Angel lay on the bed his body tense, despite his best efforts.  After a few hours he heard a mortal heartbeat approaching the door.  He closed his eyes and feigned sleep as Cordelia slipped into the room to check on him.

The mattress shifted slightly as she sat on the edge of the bed and Angel finally felt himself relaxing.  

After a few seconds Cordelia began cautiously fussing with the blanket, then tentatively, she brushed his hair back away from his forehead.  "Sleep well Angel," she whisper, and Angel smiled very slightly, feeling himself beginning to drift into a true sleep.

Cordelia stuck the tub of blood from the butcher's into the refrigerator.  Then, frowning pulled out an older container.  She stared irritably at the lumpy, congealing liquid then dumped it down the sink with a distasteful wrinkle of her nose at the smell.

"I told him there was blood in the fridge," She grumbled out loud.  "How is he ever supposed to get better if he doesn't eat?"

"Angel," she called and the dark haired vampire appeared immediately in the open doorway to his room.  "Aren't you hungry?" she asked.

"Yes," Angel whispered.

"Well the blood I got for you is going bad in the 'fridge.  What do you want?  For me to serve it to you?" Cordelia asked sarcastically.

Angel opened his mouth as if to answer, but he didn't say anything.  After a few seconds he began to tremble, breathing harshly.

Horrified Cordelia rushed to his side.  She pushed him into a chair and knelt before him stroking the back of his hand soothingly.  "What's wrong?" she asked.

"I don't know what you want me to say," Angel whispered.  "I don't want to make you mad, but I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.  Please don't give me back."

Cordelia stared at the thick rings of scar tissue encircling his wrists.  Years of wearing manacles had defeated even a vampire's regenerative abilities, permanently marring his flesh.  Cordelia had to wonder if Gunn were right, if the damage to his soul was equally irreparable.  "I'm not mad at you, I promise," she said.  "It's just there's blood in the 'fridge, like I said, and if you're hungry you should eat, okay?"

"Can't believe she's making me do this," Spike said rolling his eyes as he walked into Anya's apartment.  He didn't even bother with knocking on the door of the room Xander had locked himself in; he simply kicked it in and stormed into the room.  He grabbed Xander by the shirtfront and shoved him against the wall.

"Get over yourself Harris!" Spike snarled.  "So you're a vampire, you've seen what you can be, big bloody deal."

"Poor little you, you have it so hard.  What Willow brought back I had to help kill cause the witch couldn't do it herself.  At least I managed to do it before Dawn saw what her sister had become.  You've got nothing to complain about."  

"You've got some bad memories, oh boo hoo.  So you turned Willow and tortured Angel, I killed Buffy and there's no other Buffy sitting at home crying not five minutes drive from here, but Willow's there and she's upsettin' Dawn.  I've had Angel tortured too… " Spike paused.  "Okay, I really enjoy that memory, except the end part where my hair caught on fire.  But that's not the point, point is everyone's got things they wish they hadn't done, and in our little group of acquaintances those things are uglier than for most folks.  Learn to live with it."

With that Spike dropped Xander and stalked back out of the apartment, muttering under his breath, "Damn woman, can't leave well enough alone, says I understand him, I can empathize with him.  Bloody hell, I don't empathize.  I'm a vampire, I torture, I kill, I maim, I don't do guilt counseling!"

"We've got to do something to fix him," Cordelia said shutting the door behind her as she entered the agency's inner office.

Wesley glanced through the window to the lobby; he wasn't surprised to see Angel sitting in a corner staring stead-fastly into space.  "We're doing everything for him that we can," he said.  "But it's going to take time.  He was tortured for years, the effects won't just go away overnight."

"I know that!" Cordelia exclaimed.  "But what if he never gets better?  What if he's always like this and never like he was?"

"All we can do is hope for the best, and not get our hopes up too high," Wesley sighed.  "From what I've managed to piece together, Angel tried to stop the Harvest when Buffy didn't show up in Sunnydale, that was quite probably the first time he'd tried to make amends for his past, and he failed.  The price for that failure was horrific, from what I can glean from Xander's refusal to discuss what was done to him.  It's going to be very difficult for Angel to move past that, he doesn't have our Angel's memory of successes to fall back on."

"Then we've got to give that to him," Cordelia said.  "If that's what he needs."

"What are you suggesting we do?" Wesley asked.

"Well he's Angel.  He can be our Angel, he just doesn't know it," Cordelia reasoned. "Xander knows who he was here…"

"Angel, could you come here?" Cordy asked nervously.  "Just, sit on the bed.  We need to check how your cuts are healing."

Obediently Angel did as he was asked, Cordy wondered why she'd bothered to think up a reason, Angel always did exactly what he was told, he rarely moved without instruction; trying to avoid the possibility of ever doing something he wasn't supposed to .  That was why they had to do this.  It was unspeakably wrong for Angel to act like this; like he was someone's pet, barely even that, a pet with a broken spirit.

Gunn stood in the corner, arms crossed over his chest, he'd made his feelings on this plan very clear:  "Great plan; chain him, dope him up on happy pills till his soul takes a walk, recurse him before the drugs wear off and hope you get the soul you want.  Oh yeah, this is one beaut of a plan, wish I'd thought of it," he'd said sarcastically when they'd explained it to him.  

Gunn had been out voted thought, not that his vote counted much on matters pertaining to Angel.  He'd never really been that close to the souled vampire, not like Cordy and Wesley had been.  It didn't kill him to see Angel like this the way it did them.  And so the plan went forward.

Cordelia and Wesley made eye contact over Angel's head then they simultaneously drew Angel's wrists back and snapped the manacles around them.  The instant the cold metal touched his skin; Angel began taking shallow, panicky breaths. 

"We're going to make you better," Cordy promised quickly.  "But to do it there's a part where you could hurt us so we have to lock you up, it's just for a little, okay?"

Angel turned to her and in his dark eyes Cordy saw stark terror.  "I trusted you," Angel said in a small voice.

"This may seem cruel, but Angel, I swear, it's for the best in the long run," Wesley said, placing a comforting hand on Angel's arm, the souled vampire tried to pull away from him only to be stopped by the chains binding him to the bed frame, unable to escape Angel curled up in fetal position on the bed.

"I'm sorry Angel," Wesley said softly, unbuttoning the cuff of Angel's shirtsleeve and baring his arm.  Angel bit his lip, mentally preparing himself for the pain.  When someone paid attention to him there was always pain, how could he have been so stupid as to forget that simple fact? 

The prick of a needle sliding into his arm was so minor Angel almost didn't notice it, but the flush of drugs entering his system registered and with it came the special dread Angel reserved for this torture alone.  

Xander had been the one to hit upon this particular game, it had taken him several tries to find a drug that achieved the desired result, but Xander was always the persistent one.  The drugs stripped away Angel's control, and when they wore off there were always bodies waiting, staring at him with empty accusing eyes.

He'd trusted them and they did this too him... Distantly Angel heard himself being to scream, anger mixing in with terror as the drugs took hold of his mind and set the darkness free.

Tears trickled down Cordy's cheeks as Gunn exclaimed, "I told you this was a stupid idea!"  

Wesley bit down on his lip until he tasted blood in his mouth, the sound of Angel's screams twisted his gut, and he felt like vomiting, Gunn was right; this was a mistake, a terrible mistake.  And now it was too late for anything except pressing forward.  If it worked all would be well and Angel would forgive them, at least he hoped Angel would forgive them, if not… Wesley sighed, if not they may very well have put the finishing touch on the destruction of Angel's mind and soul.


	2. The Burden of Guilt

Shadow Lives

Part 2: The Burden of Guilt

                "We've all been worried about you, and I guess it's fair to say we 

                all share some of the blame." – Wesley, "Reunion"

Wait for the drug to take effect.  Cast a spell.  Wait for the drug to wear off.  Hope that Angel would be like his old self when it was over.  It had all sounded so simple in theory, Wesley thought as he stared at the warm, glowing orb cradled in his hands.  They hadn't even bothered to use the word hope; Angel would be all right when it was done, that's what they'd said.

Now Wesley wasn't so sure everything was going to be fine.  Something should have happened when they used the curse.  No, Wesley corrected himself, something more should have happened.  The orb of Thesula had taken on a brilliant glow as the spell was cast, but Cordelia remembered the orb disappearing immediately after that when Willow had successfully cast the spell in '98.

Wesley had deduced the cause; the glow was caused by the presence of Angel's soul within the orb.  The orb disappeared when the soul was transferred to a body.  Which hadn't happened.   Their Angel's soul was still trapped in the orb.  When the drug wore off Angel would still be the damaged creature Anya had inadvertently rescued from the other dimension.

Gunn stepped out of Angel's room.  "It didn't work," he said, echoing Wesley's thoughts.

"How can you be sure?" Cordy asked from her corner of the couch.

Gunn stepped to the side and gestured to the room he'd just left.  Wesley carefully set the orb back in its holder then followed Cordy into the Angel's room to see the results of their actions.

Gunn had apparently been sure enough that the drug had worn off to release Angel, because the dark haired vampire was curled up in one corner of the room, pressed into the space between the wall and the dresser.

Cordelia knelt beside Angel and put her hand on his shoulder in a comforting gesture.  At her touch Angel's whole body went rigid.  Slowly Cordelia let her hand drop and stepped back away from Angel.

"We made things worse," Cordelia said.

"He still hasn't moved from that corner?" Gunn asked.

Cordy shook her head.  "If anything he's getting worse, more withdrawn.  I keep trying to get through to him; I talk to him for hours.  The harder I try the less it feels like he's hearing me."

"That isn't the end of the damage we've done," Wesley said, looking toward the glowing Orb of Thesula.  "I can't find a way to release our Angel's soul from the orb at this stage of the spell."

"You can't just smash it?" Gunn asked.  "That always works in the movies."

"This isn't a movie!  I don't know what would happen to Angel if I did," Wesley replied grimly.  "I think we've done quite enough leaping without looking, don't you?"

"I voted against doing this," Gunn said.  "Don't look at me."  
  


"I'm sorry Charles," Wesley sighed.  "I just don't know what to do."

Wesley pushed aside the volume he had been examining.  It only confirmed his worst fears; there was no way back.  The only safe thing to do with Angel's soul was to allow the curse to be completed.  But that couldn't happen, the other Angel's soul, broken as it was, prevent the curse from reaching completion.  They had known that this had been a possibility, but in their bone-headed determination to have things go back to how they had been they'd convinced themselves that the doximal would be enough to fool the curse into believing that Angel's body didn't have a soul of it's own present.  

They had just wanted things to go back to the way they had been that was all.

Now they were stuck and everything was falling apart.  Angel, the one from the other dimension, was practically catatonic.  He's trusted them.  Wesley wondered how long it had been since that Angel had trusted anyone.  Years?  Decades?  They might very well have been the first people he'd trusted since he'd been turned.  And how had they repaid that trust?  They'd chained him up and drugged him.  Who cares what their intentions had been, from Angel's point of view their treatment of him was little better than what he'd endured as the Master's prisoner.  

It was of little wonder that Angel had reacted to their betrayal by retreating completely from reality.

And as for their Angel… Wesley sighed.  All they'd wanted to do was help.  They'd been desperate to make everything right again.  The truth was they'd never come to terms with the manner… No not so much the manner as the timing of his death.

Angel had come to them, ready to acknowledge the error of his ways, and they'd turned him away.  They'd been hurt and angry and it had just been too sudden, they'd needed time to consider, so they'd walked away.  They'd taken a long look at the situation that night after they left Angel, they'd come to the conclusion that they couldn't go back, Angel couldn't be trusted with the position of authority that he'd so badly abused.  

Perhaps they hadn't handled Angel's initial reaction to Darla as well as they might have, but in the end it was Angel who had decided to play judge and jury for the Wolfram and Hart lawyers.  It was Angel, who when confronted with his mistakes had thrown them out and dove head first into the darkness they'd strove to warn him away from.

There had been real reasons as to why they hadn't welcomed Angel back with open arms.  Wesley knew that.  Reasons that they had undoubtedly been discussing while Angel died.

And that changed everything.  Rationally Wesley knew it wasn't their fault.  They hadn't known, couldn't have known what would happen.  It they'd had any clue Angel was in imminent danger they wouldn't have left him, but they hadn't known.  In his head Wesley knew that they hadn't been to blame, but his heart never listened to reason.

This time Wesley's head and heart were in agreement.  This time what had happened to Angel was their fault.  There wasn't much doubt about that.

Then there was the matter of Angel's soul.  Wesley very carefully reached out and touched the orb.  And his breath caught in his throat; ever since the curse had been begun the orb had been warm to the touch, now it was barely above room temperature.  As Wesley watched the glow inside the orb flickered, going dark for a second.

Wesley, Cordy and Gunn watched the light inside the glow flicker yet again.

"I don't know what to do," Wesley admitted.

"I'm calling the experts," Cordelia said.  "Willow and Anya have both managed to cast the curse successfully."

Willow studied the orb critically.  "The spell is still trying to take effect," she said.  "But it's being blocked."

"Yes, by the soul already in Angel's body," Wesley said impatiently.  "We need to stop it, I believe the spell is hurting his soul."

"I don't know how to stop it," Willow admitted.  

"Then why didn't Anya come?  Maybe she'd be more useful," Cordy snapped.

"Xander's not taking things well.  She's scare to leave him alone," Willow said. "I'm better at magic than she is anyway.  If I don't know how to stop the spell, she wouldn't either.  Besides, I've got a plan; even though I can't stop the spell, I think I could give it a boost.  You know, just sort of push it to completion."

"What's that going to do to him?" Gunn asked.

Willow shrugged, "There is precedent, when a ghost possesses someone they effectively have two souls.  In this case, since both souls are Angel's I'd think they'd have an easier time cohabitating."

"You think?" Wesley questioned.

"I know the spell is burning out Angel's soul," Willow replied.

"I still say we just break the damned orb," Gunn said.

"You can't," Willow said firmly.  "Not without hurting Angel even more."

"I guess we don't have any options," Cordelia said.

"We're making too many assumptions," Wesley protested.

"What do you suggest we do?" Cordelia demanded.  "We can't go back, we can't stop here, so we have to go ahead."  As if to underscore her point the light in the orb flickered, everyone held their breath till the light returned.  They couldn't help but notice that it was dimmer than it had been.

Willow picked up the orb and walked into Angel's room.  She placed it on his chest then spoke a quick phrase in Latin.  Her eyes turned solid black and a wave of power washed over her and into both Angel and the orb.  For a long moment nothing happened, then the orb seemed to melt into Angel.  Willow's eyes cleared then rolled back in her head.  She dropped to the floor in a dead faint.

"Don't move, don't move, don't…" the imperative and the unspoken hope that everyone would forget he existed if he just ignored them all droned on endlessly in Angel's mind, slowly fading into white noise through sheer repetition.

In the quiet emptiness pieces of identity and past assembled and came together to take on form.

"I've done everything I can.  I'm going back to Sunnydale tonight, I might be needed," Willow said.

"Don't move, don't move…."

Confusion reigns supreme, memories, too many and not enough.  Conflicting images.  Buffy, who he'd been willing to live or die for.  Buffy, a dream never realized.  Willow and Xander, captures, tortures, vampires, cruel and soulless, the crown jewels of the Master's family. Willow and Xander, Buffy's friends, loyal, caring, human.  

Dying (Why wouldn't they let him die?), alone (Why wouldn't they leave him alone?) abandoned by his friends (What were friends?). His fault (his fate).  His mistakes (his punishment).  His failure (his failure).  

What is real?  Both feel real.  Am I insane?

"We can't just sit here forever waitin' for him to wake up.  I'm opening the office in the morning, with or without you two"

"Don't move, don't move…"

"Angel, you've got to go on," warm, caring, other.

"I'm not here."

"No, but you're almost there."

"I'm nowhere, nothing."

"Open your eyes."

"Not moving."

"Please?"

"No"

"I love you."

"Buffy?"

…

"Buffy?  Come back."

The crash of Cordelia's teakettle falling to the floor jolted Cordelia and Wesley from an uneasy sleep.  Wesley sat up in his sleeping bags on the couch.  

Cordy appeared in the door to from her room.  "Dennis, people were sleeping," she grumped throwing on the lights.

"Angel!" the surprised exclamation burst simultaneously from both throats.

Angel shrank back against the door, stunned by his sudden status as center of attention.

"Angel, you're back!" Cordy squealed happily.  "You're up and moving around without instructions, you're okay.  You're you again."

"I'm not him," Angel said, his voice panicky.  "You showed me who he was, I'm not him, I was never him."

"Angel?" Cordelia asked uncertainly.

"That's not even my name!" Angel yelled suddenly angry.  "I never used that name until I introduced myself to Buffy… which I never did!  Liam is dead.  Angelus is dead.  Angel never existed.  Willow's puppy is all that I am.  Just leave me alone."

"But you remember?" Cordelia said.  "You know all the things you've done."

"I didn't do those things!  While he was doing those things I was sitting in a cage waiting for the Master or Xander or Willow or anyone really, to come torture me again.  When you brought me here that was the first time in…" Angel laughed it was a strained sound.  "What year is it?" he asked.

"Two thousand and six," Wesley answered hesitantly.

"Ten years," Angel said distantly.  "It was only ten years.  It felt like forever.  I used to tell myself I was glad when they were with me, because that meant at least one of them wasn't torturing someone else, and I deserved it didn't I?  I've done the same or worse to so many others, so I deserved it.  But it's hard to lie to yourself forever.  Eventually I had to admit that I didn't care what they did to who if they'd just leave me alone.  So much for noble intentions huh?  I couldn't even manage that much."

Angel took in the other's horrified expressions.  "I'm not your hero after all am I?" he said.  "Maybe now you'll forget about me.  It's all I want anyway."

The door stuck as Angel tried to open it.  "Dennis, please?" Angel asked quietly and the door swung open with a sad creak allowing the dark haired vampire to vanish into the night.

"We've got to find him," Cordelia cried, watching the sun cresting over the horizon.  "It's day and he doesn't have any place to go…"

"Cordy, chill," Gunn commanded.  "Angel, either version, has been around for a long time, he knows how to come in out of the sun."

"Day is still a good time to find him," Wesley said.  "The sun will keep him pinned in one place…  Well it will limit the number of places he can go."

"He doesn't want to be found," Gunn said.  "Now we've got people to save and a business to run.  Are you two going to help me or not?  Angel will come back when he's ready to come back."

"What if he doesn't?" Cordelia demanded.

"Then he doesn't, it's his choice," Gunn replied coolly.  "You can't make him be the person you want him to be.  If you hadn't learned that way back when, the other night should have taught it too you."

"What I learned then," Wesley said quietly.  "Was that because I ignored a friend's troubles, because I let him push me away, I lost that friend.  I won't make that mistake again."

"Angel needs us," Cordelia added.  "I promised I'd protect him.  I can't abandon him now."

"Fine, go running after him!" Gunn snapped.  "Forget the people we're supposed to be protecting, forget all you've done to Angel so far is mess him up even worse than he was to start with.  I don't care.  I'll be here, taking care of thing when you two come back to your senses."

Angel watched the sunlight slip a tentative toe under the overpass where he'd found shelter for the day.  For a second he was certain that the sun caught in a flicker of long, golden-blond hair.

Cautiously Angel ventured toward the edge of the shadows, his expression hopeful, then as the hope he felt registered his eyes became fearful.  "No," he muttered.  "No… that's how it starts, how it ends is inevitable… no hope, no light, can't let it happen again."

He sank to his knees just inches from the divide between darkness and light.  "You have to remember.  That's why you exist, to remember, nothing more, never anything more.  Don't get above yourself, it only leads to disaster," he said to himself.

"No, you need to finish it," a worried feminine voice whispered in the corner of his mind.  "It's for nothing if you don't finish."

"Kathleen, Mother, Father, Anna, Sean, Mr. Connell, Father Patrick…" Angel recited.

As the list of names lengthened Angel held his hands out into to diffuse sunlight.  Gradually his skin reddened as if from a sunburn then began to peal and eventually blister as he continued reciting the seemingly endless list of names or whatever he remembered of the person.

"Buffy's classmate, Jenny Calendar, Holland Mannors… Lindsey McDonell?" Angel's voice rose slightly, turning the last name into a question.  "No, I didn't kill him… did I?  Oh well, wanted to kill him often enough, it should count as some sort of sin.  Guess I should put Lilah on the list too…"

Cordelia bit her lip as she stepped into the lobby of the Hyperion.  When they'd been forced to sell it they'd managed to defeat Wolfram and Hart in a small way, instead of letting the law firm take control of the old building they'd got the local chapter of the historical society to buy it.  They'd finished the restoration Angel had started and now the hotel was just like it had been in the twenties when it had originally been built.  Cordelia was glad of it, but stepping into the lobby after so many years and having it still look the same was a painful reminder of better times to the Seer.

Wesley went up to the desk and held out an old picture of Angel  "Have you seen this man?  His name is Angel," Wesley asked, preparing to go into their spiel about how Angel's estranged father, who was on his deathbed and had hired them to find his son before it was too late for them to make amends… Sure it was trite, but it worked more often than not.

That was when Cordelia felt it, the tingly warning moment that always preceded a vision.  In the last five years she'd almost forgotten it.  Then her hands flew to her head and the part she could never forget began.

At her shriek of pain Wesley turned and for a moment he was frozen in disbelief as Cordelia writhed on the floor clutching her head.  Then he crouched beside her, pulling her upper body into his lap.

When it was over Wesley asked, "Was it actually a vision?  After all this time?"

Cordelia nodded, "We're going to Sunnydale," she said.

"Hello Anya, may we speak with Xander?" Wesley asked tentatively when the former demoness opened the door.

"You can yell through the door at him just like everyone else.  He boarded it up after Spike kicked it down," Anya said dispiritedly moving aside to let Wesley and Cordelia in.

"Sounds fine to me," Cordelia said storming in determinedly.  "Xander get your butt out here!" she commanded.

Wesley gave Anya an embarrassed look on Cordy's behalf, but didn't try to stop the seer.

"I didn't mean tomorrow!" Cordelia continued.  "The PTB sent you a message, and you'd better get out here and listen to what they have to say!"

There were several crashing sounds then the door slowly opened and Xander stepped out looking haggard and unkempt.

"We need you to find Angel," Cordelia said.  Xander stepped back and started to shut the door again only to have Cordy block it open.  "The PTB sent a vision, you're supposed to help Angel," she said insistently.  "You can't ignore this, it's a vision.  I haven't had a vision since Angel died.  This is big.  You have to do it."

"They're insane then," Xander replied harshly.  "How the hell could I help Angel?  I'd probably traumatize him just by being within a hundred feet of him."

"Nonetheless, you are the one the Powers believe can help him," Wesley said. "Cordelia and I tried our best and we only hurt him more.  We don't understand him, we never did.  We can't help, but maybe you could."

"Because I'm the one that did this to him?" Xander asked.

"No, because like Angel, you are a vampire which has had it's soul returned," Wesley said. 

"Don't you get it?  I tortured him!" Xander exclaimed.  "Do you know why?  To practice, to see how my ideas worked on someone I wouldn't accidentally kill before I was finished playing with them."

"Right now you're closer to being Angel, the original Angel, than Angel is," Wesley said.  "The Powers that Be have chosen you as their new champion.  They've given you a chance to make up for the things in your past, so stop wallowing in your guilt and help someone.  You keep saying you can't help Angel, but you won't even try.  Can you imagine how much it would have meant to him to be able to put things to right with one of his former victims?"

"Alright!" Xander exploded.  "I'll try, but don't forget I told you so when this blows up in our faces."

Xander moved through LA's night, hating every minute of it.  He'd been doing it for days now and it didn't get any easier.  It felt too much like hunting, although he'd never hunted places like this before.  He'd been a Sunnydale vampire, one who lived in the Master's era.  They hadn't hunted in humanities' dark corners, hadn't been the thing lurking in the shadows.  They'd strode boldly through Sunnydale, had ruled the night.  They hadn't had to live off the dredges of society.

"Angel," Xander said turning toward the deeper shadows.

"S…stay away," Angel snarled brandishing a cross, apparently insensitive to pain it had to be causing him.

"I'm backing off," Xander said holding up his hands.  "Put that thing down before your hands are charcoal."

"Right, it takes about a month for me to heal from third degree burns, isn't that what you deduced?" Angel said.  "How many experiments did it take you to figure that out?  Fifty?  A hundred?  I've forgotten."

"I'm sorry," Xander said.

Angel laughed.

"Please Angel, I want to make it up to you," Xander requested.

"Don't call me that!" Angel snapped.

"What should I call you then?" Xander asked, stepping forward, his hands held out placating.

"Nothing!  G… go away!" Angel insisted, the cross shaking, almost obscured by the smoke rising from Angel's flesh.

"Dammit, put that thing down.  You're hurting yourself."

"And you'd rather do that for me?" Angel asked sarcastically.

"They gave me my soul back," Xander said.  "I won't hurt you, not ever again."

"That's almost funny," Angel said.  "I guess you've been practicing, your jokes usually hurt more than yourfists."

"It's for real," Xander said.  "I'm sure you know how it is; being so hungry that you're sure your stomach's eating it's way out of your body but the thought of what you're craving revolts you so much that you know you'll vomit if you try to feed."

The cross lowered as Angel peered curiously at Xander.

"You know, in this reality I used to think that you'd gotten off easy," Xander continued.  "I guess the jokes on me isn't it?  'Cause this is hell."

"Trust me, Hell's worse," Angel replied, dropping the cross into a pocket.

"Come on, let's go back to Cordy's.  They're worried about you," Xander said.

"It's not me they're worried about," Angel said.  "I'm not Angel, tell them that.  They made me remember his life, but I'm not him."

"How'd Angel die?" Xander asked as soon as he walked into the office.

"Where is he?" Cordy responded.  "You found him didn't you?" 

"Yeah, I found him, even talked to him for awhile.  He's real fixated on the fact that he isn't Angel.  So how did Angel die?" Xander repeated.

"He was staked," Wesley said.  "What did you think, that he was hit by a car?"

"I don't buy that," Xander said.  "It couldn't have been that simple.  There was something wrong about the way he died.  That's why you couldn't face Buffy afterwards.  We didn't even find out he was dead until Willow went to LA to tell him about Buffy several months later.  Why couldn't you tell Buffy he'd died?"

"Her mother had just passed away…" Wesley began.

"And it would have been easier to tell her when?" Xander demanded.  "After Drusillia or one of our other mutual friends sprung the news on her?  Buffy deserved to be told.  Who killed him?  How'd you deal with a baddie who could take Angel out?"

"We weren't there!" Wesley exclaimed.

"But you knew he was dead?" Xander asked skeptically.  "What'd you do… find the body?"

"We knew," Cordelia said.  

"Why are you so concerned with this?" Wesley asked.

"Because Angel has both sets of memories now and he keeps on insisting that's he's Puppy."

"Okay, Angel called himself that too and I really don't get it," Cordelia said.

"The other Willow called him Puppy," Xander said tiredly.  "It's the closest thing to a name that any of us ever used for him.  That's what I don't get, Puppy's life was one long nightmare of torture and degradation, but Angel would rather cling to that identity than admit to being the person he was here.  Why is that?  What was so wrong with Angel here, that he'd rather be Puppy?"

"He died here," Wesley said firmly.  "Don't you think that's enough?"

"No, I don't," Xander said.

"Hi," Xander said.

Angel watched him approach warily.

"You know Cordy's place is real cramped and I can't make friends with that blasted ghost.  I rented an old warehouse in this district.  It's pretty decrepit but it keeps the sun out and there's lots of room.  You could use one of the offices for quarters," Xander offered.  "There's enough room that you wouldn't even have to see me if you didn't want to."

"Why are you being nice to me?" Angel asked.

Xander looked away.  "You know why.  Will you come, you don't have to see the others either if that's how you want it.  But they'd feel better if you had a place to stay."

"What if I don't want you to feel better about what you did to me?" Angel asked.  "It's dangerous for either of us to feel better.

"I swear having you around won't make me feel that much better," Xander said.  "And aren't we getting into cutting off your nose to spite your face territory here Angel?"  
  


"Don't call me that!  I'm not Angel," he snapped.

"Well you're not Angelus either and I'm not calling you Puppy ever again, so why can't you be Angel.  It's just a name," Xander argued.

"Fine," Angel guardedly agreed.  "As long as you remember that he doesn't exist.  He's dust and gone and forgotten."

"So you'll come?" Xander asked.

"I'll come, but if the others show up I'm gone.  You won't find me again."

"Angel!  Food's ready!" Xander yelled taking two mugs out of the microwave.

A few minutes later Angel appeared from the depths of the warehouse.  

Xander flinched slightly as he noticed Angel had rolled up his sleeves a few turns to display the scars around his wrists.

"You could have painted neon arrows on the backs of your hands," Xander commented.

Angel walked across the kitchen without looking at Xander.  "I prefer a touch of subtly," he said then picked up one mug and put it in the refrigerator.

"That's going to be nasty if you let it cool," Xander warned.

"I don't drink warm blood," Angel replied.

"Can't you let anything be easy?" Xander asked with a sigh.

"Why should I?" Angel said.  "This is your atonement, not mine.  I've given up on that crap."

"Whatever," Xander sighed watching Angel retreat into the shadows.

Xander took his breakfast and with a grimace downed the contents of the mug.

A few minutes later his cell phone rang.  Xander shut his eyes and ignored it.  It rang five times then quit as the automated answering kicked in.  Less than a minute later it rang again… and again.  After four rounds Xander gave in and answered the phone.

"What is it Anya?" He asked.  "… Yes, I'm fine as I ever get… No you can't come down here… No!  Stay in Sunnydale Anya… No, I don't hate you… I just don't want to see you right now… Anya… Anh… Please don't cry… Look Anh, give me a couple of weeks then I'll come spend some time on the good old Hellmouth…. No, I can't come sooner… Angel would probably take off if he thought I was far enough away for him to actually disappear… I'm not the old Xander, you saw to that.  I can't be him… It doesn't matter how long Willow cried, I can't pretend to be someone I'm not anymore… Anya I'm sorry… I know… you didn't understand what you were doing… I'm coming to see you in a few weeks, be happy with that.  It's the best I can do."

Xander disconnected and went back to his meal.

Angel came back in, snatched his mug out of the refrigerator and gulped it down.  "What, I was hungry," he snapped before quickly rinsing his cup out and storming back into the warehouse proper.

"Angel…" Xander called after him, then sighed and picked up the phone.

"Cordelia… Hi, it's Xander.  Did your vision give any hints on how I'm supposed to help Angel?  …That's not how it works huh… Well do you have any ideas…. I got him off the streets.  I've used up all my ideas okay?  … I'm not his friend, I've never been his friend, he doesn't want me as a friend and he needs a psychiatrist not a friend anyway.  Which I'm not qualified to be either… Yeah, yeah… I know, the PTB know what they're doing… I'll keep you up-dated…. Thanks for all the help Cordelia."

 Xander wandered restlessly around the warehouse, hating every minute of the day, of being trapped.  It was enough to make him wish he could learn to like reading.  Or, an even less likely possibility, wish that Angel would talk to him.

As if the thought of the other vampire had summoned him Xander heard Angel's voice softly speaking in the distance.  "Okay, for today's list we'll do people I've let down," Angel was saying in a sarcastic, self-deprecating voice.  "Father, you seem to make a lot of the these lists Dad.  Buffy, you're here a lot too… at least I didn't kill you, that's something I can be thankful for.  Doyle, my first real friend, is it any surprise I failed you?  Tina, Mr. Lockley, I wanted to save you.  Kate, I really did want to save him.  Faith, I meant to be there to help you, the going insane and then dying got in the way.  Cordelia, Wesley, Gunn… practically every person I've ever known really, certainly every person who's ever depended on me.  Darla… I so wanted to help you, to see that someone like me could be saved… I guess I got my answer to that didn't I?  We're beyond saving.  I suppose you'd say I failed you long before that, I promised you I could still be him back in China.  Does that count?  Failing to be evil?  You, Dru and Penn would all agree I failed you, maybe even Spike would agree.  Should I feel guilty for failing you?  I know I'd feel a whole lot worse now if I hadn't, but isn't feeling bad what this is all about?  Reminding myself of what I've always been, making sure I never forget.  I won't risk my soul again, not ever again, not for anything."

As Xander followed the sound of Angel's voice the stink of charred flesh filled the air, and when he turned the corner he understood why; Angel was sitting in front of an open window, one hand stretched into the sunlight.  As Xander walked into the room Angel's flesh caught fire and the older vampire calmly doused the flames in a bucket of water at his side then placed his hand back in the sunlight.

"Are you completely insane?" Xander demanded, forcibly dragging Angel away from the window.  "What are you doing?  I don't have a word for how totally deranged you're acting!"

Angel blinked up at Xander, looking confused, like he'd been forcibly yanked out of a trance.  "It's none of your business," he said cradling his burnt arm against his chest.  "Leave me alone."

"I'm not just going to leave you alone!" Xander shouted.  "Look what you did to yourself.  That is beyond freaky.  You just… Geese Angel that is wrong, sick okay!  I can't just ignore that.  Why would you do that?"

"The pain helps me focus on the memories," Angel said half to himself.  "And I have to remember, if I forget, I lose my soul."  

Suddenly Angel's attention focused fully on Xander.  "You need to worry about that too," he said.

"You lied to me," Xander said walking into Angel Investigation's current offices.

"What are you talking about?" Wesley asked.

"You knew Angel died because he found another loop hole in the curse and you had to kill him," Xander said.  "First, how am I supposed to help Angel if you're withholding things from me and second, if there's another way to break the curse I think I need to know about it."

"Wrong lame-brain," Cordelia practically growled.  "Angel didn't lose his soul.  He was completely soul-having when he… He saved our lives just before it happened, he was good."

"That doesn't make any sense," Xander said.  

"How did you come to the conclusion that Angel had lost his soul?" Wesley asked.

"Because Angel's picked up this nifty new hobby of self-mutilation.  From what he said I think he's doing it because he believes that losing his soul is a real danger," Xander explained.  "Now him going all self-destructo-boy might have made sense right after Wills recursed him, but he was fine for years.  The only thing I can think of is the curse must have broken a second time."

"Well think again, because it didn't," Cordelia said.

"Perhaps if you told us exactly what Angel said," Wesley suggested.

"Sure, but then I expect you to tell me exactly what was going on before Angel died," Xander said.

Nervously Wesley crept into the warehouse Xander and Angel were occupying, tightly clutching a thick file folder to his chest.

He glanced around the darkened interior then he hurried across the cavernous main area to the break room the two vampires were using for a kitchen.

Wesley peered around the door jam, then, finding the room disserted hurried in, set the folder on the table and turned to leave only to see Angel standing in the doorway.

"What are you doing here?" Angel demanded.

Wesley gulped then stood straighter.  "There were some things I thought you should see," he said gesturing to the folder.  "I put together some information on our former clients.  I thought you might be interested in seeing how well many of them have done since coming to us, to you, for help."

"I'm not your Angel!" Angel snapped.

"The hell you aren't," Wesley replied with firm conviction.  "You may be the other as well, but you are Angel, these are people whose lives you changed for the better.  You didn't fail them.  You've helped so many people Angel."

"I failed everyone I cared about.  How can you, of all people, deny that?" Angel asked angrily.

Wesley walked back to the table, flipped through the folder for a few seconds then took out a few pages and handed them to Angel.

Angel stared down at the pages headed Wesley Wyndam-Pryce in disbelief.

"Wesley Wyndam-Pryce," Wesley said in an impersonal tone.  "Arrived in Sunnydale in the spring of 1999 as a replacement Watcher for the Slayers Buffy and Faith.  During the performance of his duties Wesley was arrogant and pig-headed."

"You weren't," Angel said.  "You were just covering how uncertain you were."

"I was.  I consistently belittled and ignored the rest of you, especially Giles, as if you hadn't actually been fighting demon for years, while I'd only been studying them.  If I'd tried I couldn't have done a worse job dealing with the situation with Faith.  Buffy had no use for me.  Neither the Watchers Council nor my family would take me back.  I know you were aware that I had no place to go when I arrived in LA.  Being a 'rogue demon hunter' was a salve to my pride, nothing else.  You gave me a real chance to find my feet and prove myself, to make a difference.  No one ever did that for me before.  No one ever forgave me my mistakes or encouraged me before.  Given my behavior in Sunnydale you had no reason to give me a second chance or to treat me with respect, but you did and I'm grateful to you for that. 

"But I fired you," Angel said.

"I believe we've established that you don't have a monopoly on making mistakes," Wesley said.  "Given my history, as well as our friendship, I should have done more when I saw you heading for a fall.  At the very least I should have been willing to give you another chance when you found your way back to yourself."

"I've had a second chance, more that one actually, and I screwed them all up," Angel said.  "Eventually you run out of chances."

"Maybe you do, eventually, but not yet.  Things got out of hand with Darla, but that doesn't erase all the good you've done.  You're so focused on the things that went wrong you've forgotten every thing else.  Read the files Angel, remember all the people you've helped."

"What happened in your war with Wolfram and Hart was a mistake, a very human mistake.  You got too close to a case, you took it personally and when things went badly and you lost control.  You were hurt and angry and you lashed out.  What you did wasn't right, but it was both understandable and forgivable."

"We've missed you Angel."

"I lost my soul Wesley!" Angel exclaimed.

"No you didn't," Wesley said.

Angel frowned in confusion, slowly backing out of the room.  "Then why…  You're lying.  Before Whistler came I went for almost a century without hurting anyone.  He told me I was a nobody, but I didn't have to be.  He said I could be someone to be counted."

"He was right," Wesley said.

"When people count on me they get hurt," Angel said quietly.  "I won't risk that anymore."

"Hello?  Xander?  Are you here?" Anya called walking into Angel Investigations' darkened offices.

A clink of glass against glass sounded to her left.  "He's out," Cordy slurred.  "Fixing my screw-up."  The seer tossed back the shot she'd just poured for herself."

"You're drunk," Anya stated disapprovingly.  She stormed across the room and snatched away Cordy's bottle.

"You're as bad as Dennis," Cordy said frowning.  "I tried to get drunk at home but he wouldn't let me.  So I came here and you start bein' a pain.

"I watched Giles drink himself to death.  It was horrid," Anya said.  "Buffy and Xander were both gone, Willow was in the hospital, we didn't know if she'd ever wake up.  We needed Giles and then Bam! He's gone too.  He couldn't drink enough to forget that everyone he cared about was dead or dying, but he drank enough to die.  I won't let you do that too."

"Why not?  I killed Angel.  I wrecked him," Cordy said.  "I was doing this tragic 'you hurt me' exit with Gunn and Wes supporting poor, helpless, little me out when we realized Angel was the only one with a car.  Since Angel was back to normal, aka a perfect gentleman, not to mention remorseful as all get out, he just says 'Gunn already has the keys.  I can get back on my own.'  Then we left; only Angel didn't get home.  Angel died, because of me.  Then you brought him back.  He was hurt and it was taking forever for him to get better so I tried to fix him.  Now he hates me and he hates himself and he's crazy and it's all my fault."

"He just needs time to adjust," Anya replied tossing the scotch bottle in the trashcan.  "Like Xander.  Being dead and then not, it's a shock.  It confuses them, makes them angry but they'll get over it.  He'll remember how much he love me and everything will be fine.  They'll be glad we brought them back eventually."

"In a way you were right Xander," Wesley sighed.  "Angel believes he lost his soul before he died.  I can't imagine why.  I know things were bad.  Angel did some very questionable things.  He didn't lose his soul though.  He'd even taken the first few steps back toward his proper path.  Things were getting better… or they would have been getting better if we hadn't thrown his overtures back in his face."

"I think it's time to talk to the one person who knows exactly how Angel died," Xander said quietly.  "I know that's the key to fixing him."

"But no one was there," Wesley protested.  "No one except Angel and he doesn't seem to remember, not reliably in any case."

"Oh, there was one other," Xander said.  "There's the guy who killed him."

"You didn't lose your soul," Wesley's words wouldn't leave Angel in peace.

They called into question everything he'd deduced about the final months of his life.

He remembered cold and fury and failure.  He remembered blood on his hands and Cordy and Wes stinking of fear as they confronted him.

And yet Wesley claimed he had never lost his soul.

He remembered Darla and despair and sex and agony.

Wesley said he hadn't lost his soul.

He remembered being left behind and dying.  He remembered the helpless agony of a body that wouldn't respond and a gloating voice.  He remembered the sun.

Wesley said he'd had his soul when they left him to burn.

That couldn't be true.  It just couldn't be true.  Wes and Cordy were the best friends he'd ever had, they wouldn't have left him to die unless he was already gone.

Wesley said they had.

Wesley said he was a good person.  Wesley said he had done nothing unforgivable.  Wesley said he helped people.

Why hadn't they helped him?  Why had they left him to die?

"Angel let it go."

"I can't Buffy.  I thought I understood, but it all falls apart if I had my soul… Buffy?  Buffy!"  Angel scanned the room, searching for a sign of the Slayer's presence.  "Buffy, please come back," he begged of the empty room.

"How can Wolfram and Hart assist you, Mr. Harris?" Lindsey asked.  "I assure you, we've dealt with any number of vampire clients before this."

In a movement too fast for the human eye to follow Xander grabbed the lawyer by the throat and drug him across his desk.  "You could start by telling me how you murdered Angel.  If I believe you, I might not kill you."

"Homicide, not murder," Lindsey replied.  "Bastard had it coming."

"Why?" Xander stressed his question by squeezing Lindsey's neck a little harder.

"He hurt Darla, treated her like some cheap whore.  I loved her, but who did she care about?" Lindsey demanded rhetorically.  "Him, always him."

Xander shrugged.  "Poor mistreated evil demon, I mean Darla may have been a whore, but she was never cheap.  I'm touched by her suffering.  Gimme a stake and I'll put her out of her misery.  How'd a human like you kill Angel?"

Lindsey smirked.  "You'd be amazed at what a great equalizer a sledgehammer is.  He couldn't do much with his brains running out on the pavement.  He just lay there until the sun came up and erased all my problems.  It's the perfect crime actually, no body and if it ever came to trial I could have half the jury questioning if he'd even existed with just my opening statement."

"Angel-cakes, my are you a sight for sore eyes," Lorne enthused, hurrying across Caritas to greet the souled vampire.  "I heard through the grape-vine you were back among the living, if not breathing, I was wondering when you'd get around to dropping by and may I just say how great…"

Lorne's voice ran out of steam as he paused to really look at Angel then in a much more subdued tone of voice he said.  "Oh sweetie, you've had it rough haven't you?"

"You read people's destinies?" Angel asked uncertainly.  "Do you see their past as well?"

"To an extent," Lorne replied.  "Of course, if it's this past you're looking for I could just tell you.  We were friends if you've forgotten."

Angel smiled a little.  "I thought we might be, it's mostly the last few months before I died that are muddled."  The dark haired vampire sighed in frustration.  "It's like putting a puzzle together with no idea of what it's supposed to be and half the pieces missing.  Just when I think I have it figured out I find another piece and it changes everything."

"Gotta apologize, say I'm sorry," Cordelia muttered.

After she'd sent Anya on her way, Cordy had spent several minutes grumbling about the more than half full bottle of scotch the ex-demoness had thrown out, then she'd remembered the bar just a few blocks away.  After spending some quality time with alcohol, Cordy had realized what she needed to do.  Only someone had moved Xander's warehouse and now she seemed to be lost in a fairly unsavory part of LA.

"Angel!" she called.

"Now," the disembodied voice whispered.

Angel started as he walked back toward the warehouse after talking with Lorne.

"You've got to come now."

"Buffy?" Angel asked smiling hopefully.

"No time.  You've got to come!  Now!"

"I'm coming."

For a moment Angel wondered how he was supposed to follow a disembodied voice, but then he felt a slight tug at his hand.

Angel took off running after her.

Several blocks north of the warehouse a shriek rent the air.

Angel redoubled his speed as the empyreal touch at his hand disappeared.

A large ape-like demon towered over Cordelia, who lay slumped against a building, looking like she'd been thrown there.

Angel's features shifted to the vampire and a low, threatening growl reverberated through the alley.

The ape-thing turned, looked Angel over. "Find your own food vampire!" it snarled, brandishing a crude knife at him.

Angel lunged forward, grabbing the demon's knife hand and slamming it against the wall.  "She's not food!" he roared, catching the knife as if fell from the creature's suddenly nerveless fingers then embedding it in the demon's throat.

The ape-thing drew one last feeble breath then died.

Angel dropped the carcass then reached down to pull Cordelia to her feet.

"You saved me," she cried wrapping him in an embrace.  Angel gagged at the alcoholic fumes emanating from the seer.  "After I killed you, you still saved me."

"What were you thinking!" Angel demanded holding her by her shoulders at arms length and giving her a slight shake.

"I had to talk to you," Cordelia mumbled.  "I'm so sorry."

Angel sighed and half dragging her along with him, headed back to the warehouse at a quick pace.

"There's a shower, third door past the kitchen," Angel said once they were safely inside.  

"What?" Cordy asked with a bemused frown.

"Go, it'll help sober you up," Angel said.  "I'll make coffee."

Angel searched through the cupboards until he found the grounds.

"Angel, I'm really sorry," Cordelia yelled from the bathroom.

Angel stared curiously at the coffee grounds scattered across the counter; he wasn't quite sure what had gone wrong.  He scooped up another cup full of grounds and watched in surprise as the scoop shook, spilling its contents again.  Angel set down the scoop and frowned at his hands, they were shaking.  Inside his head he could hear someone screaming in unmitigated terror.  There were rules.  You can't break the rules.  Bad things happen.

Angel forced himself through a meditative exercise, pushing away the terror that was both familiar and alien.  

He picked up the coffee can again and started a pot brewing, then swept up the mess into the garbage.

Thirty minutes later Cordelia sat across the table from Angel, cradling a cup of coffee.  "I should have known better.  Wandering around after dark, drunk off my ass, I was just asking for something to come and eat me."

"Yeah," Angel replied.  "Xander can walk you home when he gets back.  Until then, try to stay out of trouble."

Angel headed for the door.  Cordelia jumped up and caught his arm then groaned and clutched her head.  "Ugh, hang-overs are almost worse than visions."

Angel jerked away from her.

"Angel wait!" Cordelia yelled.  When Angel stopped and turned back she said, "I'm sorry you died.  I was mean and you were hurting and it was all my fault.  I killed you, Angel.  I'm so sorry."

"No," Angel said quietly.  "Lindsey killed me."

"It was my fault," Cordelia insisted.  "I might as well have killed you.  I left you and you died."

"It's not the same thing," Angel said.

"Yes it is!"

"The Powers make a distinction between me locking Wolfram and Hart's special projects division in a room with two vampires and murder according to what Lorne says," Angel said.  "If that's true there is no way anyone can hold you responsible for my death just because you weren't there to stop it from happening."

"I don't give a damn about what the PTB think," Cordy replied.  "I got you killed."

"You did not," Angel insisted.  "We had a falling out, which was my fault.  I tried to apologize; you weren't ready to accept.  Then I died, which has nothing to do with what happened between us."

"Lindsey McDonald shouldn't have been able to kill you.  You're you, he's human, you had to have let him, that was my fault!"

"That would have been true in a fair fight," Wesley said as he and Xander stepped into the room.

"Of course considering Lindsey ran him over with a truck about five times then laid into him with a sledgehammer, fair fight isn't exactly the term I'd use," Xander said.

"Angel didn't commit suicide Cordelia," Wesley clarified.  "And you didn't lose your soul either, Angel.  We all made mistakes.  We all made bad judgment calls.  But we've all got a second chance, I think it's time we put the past behind us, don't you?"

Angel smiled tentatively.  "Sounds like a plan.  So you'll drive Cordy home and I'll see you both at the office tomorrow?"

Wes patted Angel on the shoulder.  "Glad to have you back he said.

"Me too," Cordelia added smiling broadly.  "Oh Xander, Anya's in town, she said she need to talk to you.  Here's her hotel number.  If you don't go talk to her I think she'll track you down."  

"What are you playing at Angel?" Xander asked.

Angel slowly looked up from the folder Wesley had given him.  "What do you mean?"

"You can't just say you're going to start fresh and everything's magically okay again," Xander snapped.  "You aren't the same, you died, you have everything that happened to you in the other dimension inside you.  You can't just ignore that."

"Why not?  What other choice do I have?" Angel said.  "Sit by and watch while guilt destroys the people I care about, like you're doing?  Let them waste their lives trying to 'fix' me?"

"I don't get it, twenty-four hours ago, you couldn't live with this and now you can?" Xander asked.  

"Being Angel didn't cost me my soul after all," Angel said.  "I can afford to given them what they want.  What else matters?"


	3. Job Related Stress

 Shadow Lives

Part 3:  Job Related Stress
    
               "No, no. I-I just want to put this whole thing behind us, get back to 
    
                 normal." – Joyce, "Dead Man's Party"

"Do I look right?" Angel asked.

"Do I look like a girl?" Xander responded.  "What do I care about how you look?"

Angel sighed, "Do I look like I'm supposed to look?  I don't remember."

"What does it matter?" Xander asked as he glanced at Angel.  Angel just waited.  Xander rolled his eyes.  "Don't comb your hair flat, you always kept it spiked up."

"Thanks," Angel replied.  "I just want everything to be normal."

"You're a vampire with not one, but two souls, which come complete with two sets of memories, normal isn't exactly a term I'd apply to your life," Xander pointed out.

Angel glared at him.

"I'm coming along, by the way," Xander added.

"Why?" Angel asked.

"Because the PTB want me to take care of you and I think this is asking for trouble."

"Fine, as long as you don't tell them how screwed up you think I am."

Xander watched in bemusement as Cordy flitted about the office practically humming as she worked.

Angel watched her with a faint smile as he read through the files on several recent cases.

Wesley and even Gunn had both found reason to talk with Angel and let him know how glad they were to have him back.

Xander couldn't believe how smoothly everything was going or much of a difference Angel's presence made to the other three.

Guiltily Xander found himself remembering Anya's tearful calls and the fact she was sitting in a hotel room several miles away, waiting for him to come see her.  He remembered the distress in Willow's expression when he'd fled from her innocent hug.  

"I think I'll go talk to Anh, if everyone's okay here," Xander said.

"What would be wrong?" Angel asked.

Cordelia laughed as she clasped Angel's shoulder warmly.  "Go on Xander, can't you see everything is right here?  Finally everything's right."

Anya sat in the middle of the hotel's overly hard bed, starring at the engagement ring Xander had given her more than five years ago.  Slowly she turned it over in her hands.

Why did I ever decide being human was a good thing, she thought.  Broken promises, dead dreams, death, misery, loneliness.  What the hell do they need vengeance demons for anyway; just living is the worst punishment anyone could wish on a person.

At the sound of a knock at her door Anya got up and opened it.  "Xander?" she asked in disbelief.

"Anh, I've been a jerk these last few months.  I've had a hard time adjusting and I took it out on you.  I'm sorry."

"You mean that?" Anya asked.

Xander fought the urge to lick his lips nervously and opened his arms to her.

Anya hugged him enthusiastically.  "Xander, I've missed you so much."

Slowly Xander reached up to cradle the back of her head.  "I've missed you too, Anh."

Angel started at the sound of the office door opening.  A haggard looking woman stepped into the office.  "Please hear me out before you tell me I'm crazy," she requested.

"You came to the right place," Cordelia said escorting the woman to a chair.  "We specialize in dealing with problems the police don't believe in."

Angel faded into the background as Wesley and Gunn joined them from the inner office.

"May I get you some tea Ms…" Wesley asked.

"Kelly Ricks," the woman replied.  "Do you have coffee?"

"I told you the tea idea wasn't going to fly," Gunn said to Wesley.

"I just though some of our clients might prefer a beverage that actually soothes the nerves rather than exciting them," Wesley replied picking up a mug from the counter.  "Ms. Ricks, if you could tell us your story?"

"Don't give me a cup you want back," Kelly advised.

"Why not?" Wesley asked curiously.

"That was how it all started," Kelly said.  "Two years ago, just after I'd gotten the promotion to my former position, I started noticing that I'd lose things.  At first I didn't think anything of it, everyone swears that there are office gremlins that steal your pens every time you set one down, but it's literally true for me, well not the gremlins part, and back then it didn't happen every time.   I just started loosing things more often than was normal and it kept getting worse; after a few months every single pen or pencil I pick up vanished off the face of the earth as soon as I let it go.  Now it's any thing smaller than a notebook.  But how do you tell someone something like that without them deciding to fit you for a straightjacket?"

Cordelia opened a drawer beneath the coffee machine and pulled out a package of Styrofoam cups and handed one to Wesley.  "Sorry, I don't mean to be rude or anything," she said to Kelly.  "But the mugs are new, and we can't afford another set."

Kelly laughed, "Don't apologize, you have no idea how good it feels just to be taken seriously."

Wesley poured a cup of coffee and handed it to Kelly as she continued her story.  "Six months after that machines in my office started breaking when I tried to use them, my computer has been in constant need of repair for better than a year.  I was forbidden from using the copier, printer or the fax machine several months before I was fired.  I just couldn't do my job with things the way they are."  

She took a sip of the coffee then made a face and set the cup on the table, Gunn watched it closely for signs of odd behavior.  

"Things got better for awhile after I lost my job, for about a month nothing strange happened to me.  I managed to find a similar job with a new company and my life seemed to be back on track, then it all came back with a vengeance.  I didn't say anything and did everything I could to work around the problems.  It just wasn't possible.  This is wrecking my life and no one even believes it's happening to me," Kelly explained.  "This is the part where you tell me I should go to a shrink, right?"  
  


"No," Wesley replied.  "This is the part where I ask if you have any acquaintances who practice witchcraft or voodoo."

"I never believed in things like that before this started," Kelly sighed.  "I was the type who laughed at people who read their horoscopes in the paper.  I wasn't someone you'd talk to about believing in voodoo.  I'm not the nicest person around; I saw the world in a way that left no room for any occult nonsense and I was more than willing to ridicule those who were more open minded.  If someone I knew believed in things like that, they wouldn't have told me."

"Your problems sound like some form of hex," Wesley said thoughtfully.  "It is entirely possible that you unwittingly insulted a practitioner of the dark arts and they did this simply to teach you a lesson."

"If this is a lesson, I've learned it!" Kelly said.  "What do I have to do to get this stopped?  I don't have any pride left; I'll go down on my knees and beg if that's what it takes.  I just want my life back."

"I think we should be able to break the hex," Wesley replied.  "I'll need to do some research, if you'll leave your phone number, we'll get back to you when we've determined how to undo this.  It shouldn't take more than a few days."

"You'll have to write it down for me," Kelly said with a sickly laugh.  "If I write it, you won't be able to find the paper."  

"Gunn, could you hand me a pencil?" Cordy asked.  Gunn leaned over and grabbed a pencil from the jar on Cordy's desk and tossed it too her.

"It's (234) 993-4893," Kelly said.  Cordy scribbled the number down then Wesley escorted her out the door.  

A moment after Kelly left Gunn suddenly exclaimed, "What happened to her cup?  I swear I never took my eyes off it, but it's not there!"

"Who ever cast that hex has a sense of humor," Cordelia said.  "How many time do people say that sort of thing happens, then to have actually be true…"

"A rather cruel sense of humor," Wesley said selecting a volume from the shelf.  "Whatever close-minded rants Ms. Ricks may have indulged in she didn't deserve to have her life disrupted like this."

"I know, still you've got to admit it's more poetic justice-y than most things we…" Cordelia trailed off as her hands flew to her head, Angel caught her before she could fall, holding her steady as the vision slammed through her nervous system.  "A couple of vampires going on a rampage at the movie theater on 3rd and West Wind," she reported when it finished.

"That doesn't sound to bad," Wesley said.  "Gunn, Angel, do you think you could handle it?  I'd like to start researching Ms. Ricks' problem."

 "Sure thing, English," Gunn said.  "You know how much I love it when you try to rope me into research."

"Angel?" Wesley asked.  "If this is too soon for you just say so."

"I'm fine," Angel said quickly.  

"Okay, we're on it," Gunn said selecting a sword from the weapon's cabinet and waving Angel toward the door.

"Where's Angel?" Xander asked as he walked into the office.  

"I had a vision, he and Gunn are taking care of it.  They left maybe fifteen minutes ago," Cordelia said off-handedly.

"He's what!" Xander exclaimed.

"It's a minor issue," Wesley said as he took down some notes.  "Angel assured us he's up to it and Gunn's with him."

"Don't you think it might have been a good idea to take things slow?" Xander asked.

"Angel's back to his old self," Cordy said.  "He worked through everything and now he's fine."

"I don't think…" Xander started to say then sighed remembering his promise.  "Where'd they go?  It can't hurt anything to have another person as back up."

"Vampires, movie theater, 3rd and West Wood.  Knock yourself out," Cordy said.  "But they've probably got everything under control by now."

"Thanks," he said turning and walking back out.  As he hurried back to his car Xander muttered, "Hasn't anybody heard of easing into things?  One day back and they think it's all cotton candy and roses.  I knew I shouldn't have left."

Xander parked illegally at the theater then ran for the lobby, to his surprise it was quiet, but the broken glass of the display counter told him that it hadn't always been the case.  

"What happened?" He asked the girl working the register gesturing to the broken counter.  

"You wouldn't have believed it," the girl said excitedly, "They was this huge fight, three weird looking guys came in and just started attacking people, one of them grabbed me, I think he was going to * bite * me.  Then these other two guys showed up, they saved us.  I think I must have fainted, one minute I was a hostage or whatever, and then the bad guys were gone and this really cute guy was helping me up.   He was so sweet, asking me if I were okay and everything; it was like something from a romance novel.  I wish he'd stuck around long enough to give me his number, but he split right after all the excitement."

Xander grumbled about the parking ticket he'd picked up all the way back to Angel Investigation's offices.

"I guess you were too slow to get any excitement," Gunn said when Xander walked in the door.  "Me and Angel took care of everything."  

"Where is Angel?" Xander asked.

"He said he was feeling a little tired, I dropped him off at the warehouse on the way back," Gunn said with a shrug.  "It was pretty exciting for a first day back I guess, but Angel handled himself fine."

"Sure," Xander said turning and heading out to his car again.

"Angel?  You in here?" Xander asked running up the stairs to Angel's room.  

How can he stand to live in here, Xander wondered to himself glancing around the barren area.  I'm getting him some posters or something before I head back to Sunnydale.  At least I should make sure he gets a bed or something better than that stupid cot.

"Angel!" Xander yelled wandering back into the warehouse.  "I feel like I'm play hide and seek here.  Where are you?" 

Xander found a basement entrance and headed down, he frowned in confusion at the slats leaned up against a low overhead beam, bisecting the little room.  Somehow the lay out seemed oddly familiar.

When Xander saw Angel huddled against the back wall it all fell into place.

"Aw Angel," Xander sighed.  He shoved aside several of the makeshift bars and crouched on the floor beside the older vampire.  "I told you this was going to fast.  You can't just pretend nothing happened.  You're not hurt are you?"

Angel shook his head slightly, cringing away from Xander.

Xander bit his lip unhappily.  "I'll just leave you alone for awhile," he said after a few moments.  "You're probably a little overwhelmed.  If you're not back to normal by this evening I'll call Cordy for help, okay?"

Xander smiled with relief when Angel joined him in the kitchen for breakfast that afternoon.  "You're feeling better?" he asked.

"I'm fine," Angel said, emptying a carton of blood into a mug.

"You're looking better," Xander commented.

"Good.  I don't want to worry anyone," Angel replied.

"You're not going back to the agency like nothing happened," Xander said.

"This morning was a slip," Angel said.  "Nothing important."

"This morning you were having a breakdown in a recreation of the cell beneath the Bronze.  You call that nothing?" Xander demanded.

"And I'm find now," Angel said.  "I kept it together long enough to do what needed doing, what happened afterwards doesn't matter."

"Knock, knock!" Cordelia yelled.  The two vampires heard her opening the warehouse's outer door.

"Don't tell them," Angel asked.  "Please?  It would only upset them."

"Okay," Xander sighed, hating that he knew better, but still felt too guilty about Angel to refuse.

"Thanks."

"Angel, remember me telling you I kept some of your old stuff?" Cordelia said coming around the corner carrying a large box.

Angel hurried to take it from her.

"I guess you forgot to unpack while you were staying with me.  It made it easy taking it here.  I saved some of your books, all of your drawings, your photo of Buffy, of course, a few other odds and ends."  Cordelia gave Angel a quick grin.  "If I'd know I was going to be able to give this stuff back to you I would have saved everything."

"Thanks," Angel replied. "I really appreciate this."

"What are friends for," Cordelia laughed.  "Come on, I'll give you a ride to the office."

"Thanks," Angel replied.  "Bye Xander, I'll see you in the morning."

"I'm coming with you," Xander said.

You don't have to bother," Angel said escorting Cordelia out.  "Everything went great yesterday, didn't it Cordy?"

"Just like old times," Cordelia replied happily.

"… And then he just walked out!" Xander exclaimed.  "What was I supposed to do?  Angel seriously needs help, but he can pretend well enough to fool his friends.  As long as Cordy and Wes think Angel's okay they're happy.  If Angel's not okay, they're miserable and Cordy ends up doing stupid things.  If she gets hurt Angel's going to blame himself, which would probably send him straight to the nuthouse and maybe Wes'll go off the deep end too just to keep him company.  What am I supposed to do?"  
  


"But you're okay?" Anya asked.  "Not just faking okay like Angel, right?"

"Of course I am," Xander said, leaning over to kiss Anya's cheek.  "I'm just worried about Angel, that's all."

"I think I've got it," Wesley exclaimed.  "Unless Ms. Ricks' hex is really something exotic this charm should protect her."

"I'll call her," Cordy said.  "How much do you think we can charge her, seeing as how she's out of work and all?"

"I'd go with half our baseline rate," Wesley said, "Unless you want to try the installment plan again?"  
  


"No thank you," Cordy replied.  "I've noticed people are much more ready to part with the cash when their memories are fresh… I'm guessing you'd be opposed to hexing clients who stiff us right?" 

"Cordelia!" Wesley exclaimed.

"It was just a suggestion," Cordy said.  "I mean this is a business not a charity right?"

"Please call Kelly, tell her to come in this afternoon so I can give her the charm and perform a protective spell," Wesley sighed.  "Half our baseline, ask for payment up front, she's probably the type to stop believing as soon as the problem's gone."

"Got it," Cordy said.

"This money stuff is always so much fun," Gunn said sarcastically to Angel.

Angel nodded in response.

"You really think this can help?" Xander asked.

"Of course, if I've learned anything as a Scooby, it's the value of research," Anya replied.

"Yeah, but this problem isn't exactly of the monster variety." Xander pointed out.

"Yes, that's why we're looking for answers in the psychology section of the library."  Anya said.

Kelly set down the pencil turned her back on it for a minute then turn around picked it up and laugh joyously.  "It's over! How can I thank you?"  

"Prompt payment would be more than sufficient," Wesley said as Cordelia presented her with an invoice.

"Gladly," Kelly said writing out a check.  "This is like getting out of jail.  I'm free to have a life again."

Angel smiled wistfully at the excited girl, with the lifting of the hex she seemed years younger and full of a life that had been totally absent when she first arrived.  "Good luck," he told her quietly.

"Thanks," Kelly replied smiling broadly.  "You guys are the greatest."

"Thank you," Cordelia replied accepting the check eagerly.

Xander sighed in relief at the sight of Angel, upstairs, sitting in the kitchen, a sketchpad in his lap, drawing.

"I take it everything when well today?" Xander asked.

"Wes helped a girl.  It's funny how breaking a curse is a good thing for everyone else," Angel replied, not looking up from his drawing.  "You take away the curse and they've got a new lease on life.  With us the curse breaks and we're death incarnate.   Which isn't to say that we're free to live right now."

"A rock and a hard place," Xander agreed.

"I was thinking more along the lines of damned if you do, damned if you don't," Angel said.

Curious Xander leaned over Angel's shoulder to look at what he was drawing.  "Is that Buffy?" he asked.  "She looks so young."

Angel looked at the drawing sadly.  "I drew her like she was before she was called, I have that memory from both dimensions," he said.  "She was so innocent then, she didn't know what it felt like to have the world's weight on her shoulders yet.  I wanted to help her bare that burden, instead I just made it worse."

Xander glanced away, uncomfortably.  After a few moments he said.  "You know even when things were at their worst she never quit loving you."

"And that's why Riley left her, why she never had a fair shot at being happy.  She would have been better off if she'd never met me," Angel said.

"I can guess cheering you up is a hopeless battle," Xander sighed.

Kelly tossed and turned, moaning softly in pain.

Giving up on sleep she got up and made her way to the bathroom.  As she walked she pressed her fingertips to her temples, feeling like she needed to hold on to keep the pain from tearing her head apart.

She ran cold water over a washrag, rung it out, then folded it into a rectangle and held it to her forehead.  "Oh yeah, this is the stuff," she sighed, heading back toward bed.

She stumbled over a box on the floor and dropped the washrag; it disappeared before it hit the floor.

For a few minutes Kelly groped around for the rag, then turned on the lights for a more careful search.

"No, this isn't happening!" she yelled when no sign of the rag turned up and her headache went into overdrive.  

Crying from pain and frustration, Kelly began grabbing up things around the apartment and hurtling them at the walls.  Each object vanished only split seconds after leaving her hands.

"You said he was fine," Anya said.

"Yesterday," Xander replied.  "The day before that he was definitely not fine.  Who knows what he's going to be like when I get home today or tomorrow?"

"Okay, if he's bad again tomorrow we should research tomorrow.  Today, I think we should go out to a movie or dinner or something," Anya suggested.

Xander sighed, "Anh, just because Angel acts okay some of the time doesn't mean he's okay.  In fact the way he can turn everything off and act normal sort of scares me."

"Why?" Anya asked.  "Isn't it better than having him mope forever?"

"He doesn't fix anything Anh, he just pushes it away," Xander said.  "What happens when he doesn't have anywhere left to hide from it?"

Angel felt his normal tension recede as he walked back to the warehouse.  It had been another quiet, undemanding day.  Gunn was getting antsy and Cordelia bemoaned the lack of income, but Angel found himself grateful for the peace.

"I… I recognize you," a voice said in a quavering tone of accusation.

Angel turned and saw Kelly standing on the other side of the street.  She looked tired and hopeless.

"I want my money back," she demanded as she approached Angel.  "You guys didn't fix anything!" She picked up a rock and threw it at him.  He flinched, backing away from her even though the rock disappeared as it left her hand. 

"You made it worse!" Kelly accused, backing Angel against a wall.  "I hurt!  Ever since the day after you 'fixed' things I've been hurting!  You did this to me!"  
  


Kelly punched Angel angrily then crumpled in a heap at his feet, sobbing.

Angel stood, frozen, his back pressed against the building behind him, staring down at the girl.

"I'm sorry," Angel whispered after a long while.  "I tried, we tried, I should have know better.  I'm sorry."

Angel slid past Kelly, taking care not to touch her and started toward the warehouse again.

"Don't leave me," Kelly whimpered.  "You have to make it better."  

"I can't make anything better," Angel replied.

"Please," Kelly cried hurrying after him.  Angel kept walking, ignoring the girl.

"Angel," a gentle voice reprimanded him.

"I can't Buffy," Angel replied.

"Who are you talking to?" Kelly demanded, looking around wildly. 

Angel listened for the other voice, not even bothering to look at Kelly.  Only silence answered him.

"This is what happens when I try," Angel continued defensively after a few moments.  "I fail and everything's worse and it's all my fault!"

He squirmed uncomfortable.  Even though Buffy hadn't said anything, he could feel the weight of her disapproval.  Angel sighed in defeat.  "Tell me what I'm supposed to do."

"I can't hold your hand every time you have act, Angel," Buffy said tiredly.  "And this is your sort of problem, not mine.  You remember how to deal with this you just don't feel it yet."

"I'll take her to Wes," Angel said.  "He can deal with this, I can't." 

"You can too!" Buffy insisted.

"Wes can take care of it," Angel reiterated stubbornly, Buffy sighed.  

Angel turned around and started back to the office, Kelly followed after him.  Two blocks later their path was blocked by a hulking demon, it stood nearly two feet taller than Angel, and was easily twice his weight.  Three glittering, solid blue eyes dominated its otherwise human face. 

As it stalked toward them Angel felt a welcome rush of adrenaline.  Fight or flight reflexes kicking in, a choice made, singularity, he'd pay for it later.

Angel pushed Kelly behind him protectively.  "I'm more trouble that you're interested in," he told the demon, letting his features shift to the vampire.

"I require the girl… alive," the demon replied.

"Then we're all on the same side here," Angel said.

The demon peered more closely at Angel.  "Oh you, I'd heard you were dust.  When I saw her with one of your kind I assumed her champion was already dead."

"I'm not," Angel said feeling the reaction beginning to set in as the adrenaline faded from his system.  "So either get out of the way or make yourself useful."

The demon threw back its head and laughed, revealing sharp, predatory fangs.  "We're not on the same side, Angel," it said.  "I'm here to prevent her from being helped."

Angel licked his lips nervously, struggling to reclaim the proper frame of mind as he readied himself for a fight.

The demon's first punch knocked Angel into the street.  Angel rolled to his feet and attacked the creature.  It simply absorbed several blows then slammed Angel into the building.

Angel shook his head, trying to clear it; he looked up to see the demon looming over him.  He brought up a foot and kicked it back then struggled to his feet. 

The demon responded by knocking him to the pavement again.

"I'm not going to win am I?" Angel asked rhetorically as he rolled to avoid having his ribs broken by a heavy foot.

"Then run!" Buffy's disembodied voice screamed.

Without thinking Angel scrambled to his feet, ducked under the demon's fist, caught Kelly's hand and took off at a sprint in the direction from which they'd come.

After dodging through several abandoned buildings and empty lots Angel slowed to a stop.

"What was that thing?" Kelly asked fearfully.  "What are you?" 

"We'll double back," Angel said.  "I have to get you to Wes and the others, they'll figure out the right thing to do.  I'm sure we lost the demon."

"What are you?" Kelly repeated as Angel started leading her toward the offices by a more roundabout route.

"It's a long story," Angel said.  "I'm on your side, lets leave it at that."

Three blocks after they started back the demon confronted them again, this time Angel didn't try to fight; at the first glimpse of the creature he hurried Kelly back into the maze of alleys in another attempt to lose it.

"How long ago did he leave the offices?" Xander asked.

"A few hours," Cordelia said, he could hear the worry in her voice even over the phone.  "Isn't he back at the warehouse yet?"

"I'll start looking for him," Xander said.

"We'll do the same," Cordy replied.  "Sun's going to be up soon."

"I know," Xander said.

"It's like it senses every time we stop running!" Kelly exclaimed in a voice filled with both frustration and dread.

Angel forced his mind through a quick meditation exercise, trying to stave off the inevitable reaction.  Being the subject of the demon's prolonged hunt was eating up reserves that he simply didn't have.

Physically it had been too many years since he'd had the freedom to be active and mentally it was worse, there was too much of the other.  His memories of the early months in LA told him he could deal with this, but that past, with it's carefully controlled and regulated emotions was drowned beneath Puppy's murky memories of days and weeks spent curled around wounds that never really healed, wounds that his body still ached faintly from.  

Those feelings were overwhelming, the remembrance of how the sound of footsteps on the stairs went from being a warning to ready himself for another attempt to break him, to a source of terror, to simply another sound.  He'd told Wesley and Cordelia about the first two stages, hoping to shock them, to revolt them, to make them go away so he could slip back into the undemanding existence he'd led before Whistler showed him Buffy.  He hadn't told them about the third stage, about the resignation.  It was the worst; the quiet hopelessness after he'd stopped dreaming of escape, stopped dreaming period, or wishing, or even caring.  When all that was left was waiting and waiting meant nothing, it was just the blurry aching time between the sharper pain of torture sessions.

It had been so long since he'd had to make choices, freedom from that cage and the misery of that life meant nights like tonight; a seemingly endless chain of decisions, each of which could potentially leave him dead and Kelly at their pursuer's mercy.

Act, react, decide and even the part of him that did those things got it wrong at least as often as he got it right, no matter what his friends tried to tell him.

Dawn was coming, that would certainly limit his choices and wasn't that what he wanted?  Maybe he could just stand his ground and die.  Kelly could make a run for it, get to the others, get real help while he kept the demon busy with killing him.

"As your semi-official guardian angel, I'm really against that plan," Buffy told him.

"Is that what you are?" Angel asked.  "I've been wondering."

"Sort of," Buffy replied, Angel could sense her casual shrug even if he couldn't see it. "I thought it has symmetry, as Giles would say, when we first met you were mine, now I'm yours."

"So you're vetoing kamikaze missions," Angel said.

"You don't want to die like this," Buffy said.  "Not here, not now."

"What should I do?" Angel asked.

Buffy groaned in frustration.  "Think Angel!  You're as good at this stuff as I am."

"What kind of guardian angel are you any way?" Angel teased, despite the situation he felt oddly relaxed and happy that she was staying so long.  He didn't even care that Kelly was looking more scared every second he spent holding a conversation with apparently empty air.

"You shouldn't even be able to hear me," Buffy exclaimed.  "If you weren't…"

"If I wasn't what?" Angel asked.

Angel got the feeling that Buffy was embarrassed.  "Crazy," she said softly.  "Really little kids and crazy people can sense me… and you.  Since you haven't been a kid in centuries that doesn't leave many options."

"I knew it must have some advantages," Angel said with a care-for-not shrug.  "Other than telling me to think about something other than suicide you're not going to help are you?  Not that I really mind, I like having you here."

"I'm helping you stay calm," Buffy protested.  "…Although that's more a side effect of you having someone to talk to than any mystical powers stuff."

"I'm in the tunnels, that's why the reception's so poor," Xander explained.

"Maybe you should get back to the warehouse," Cordy suggested.  "What with the sun and all."

"I can go anywhere Angel can," Xander pointed out.  "I called Anya, she wanted to help too.  I had her go to the office to make sure that Angel didn't end up back there.  Did anything happen last night?"

"Nope, it was all's quiet on the demon front," Cordy replied.

"Anything at all," Xander pushed.  "Anything that might have upset Angel?"

"Xander, we spent the whole night going back and forth between helping Wes with the new cataloging system for our reference books and Gunn with weapons maintenance.  I almost fell asleep on the job it was so dull last night," Cordy replied.

Angel and Kelly both lay collapsed in the narrow passage.  The access tunnel was barely wider than the breath of Angel's shoulders; there was no way the over-sized demon could get to them here.

Kelly's rapid heartbeat and ragged breathing echoed in the closed space.  The salty smell of her tears filled the air.  "I guess terror is good for something," she said in a faltering voice.  "I barely noticed the pain while I was busy running for my life." 

Angel didn't answer her; he was too trapped in his own delayed reaction to the night.  His eyes were wide and dilated, focusing on nothing as shakes wracked his body.   A sheen of sweat covered his skin and thoughts whirled through his mind with a random speed that left him unable to grasp any of them long enough for comprehension.

Buffy hovered near Angel worriedly.  After several long minutes his eyes focused on her, somehow it was easier to concentrate on Buffy than on anything else.  They were bound together, had been from the night they'd met.  They'd loved each other when it was pure insanity, and nothing had changed that, not Hell nor two years separation, not death, either his death or hers and his return to life certainly couldn't change it now.  Even now, she was here, when he needed her most she was always here.

But she looked so worried, Angel hated that he was causing her pain again.  

"It's not your fault," Buffy told him.  "They shouldn't have used the restoration spell on Puppy, he already had his own soul, even if it was broken.  The spell burned up too much of your strength before Willow got involved.  Why couldn't they leave well enough alone?"

"They were only trying to help," Angel said.

"I know and I want to think that maybe it could still work out," Buffy said.  "There were so many things that got left unresolved when you died, it made you unhappy.  You wanted to make things right with your friends and you felt like you failed the PTB.  You did your best thought; you were getting things back together.  You did save their lives, and Kate's that night.  If you'd had more time, you'd have made up for what happened with Darla.  It wasn't your fault that you died."

"I'm trying to make up for that now, but it's not working.  I can't do anything right."

"Well Puppy isn't exactly helping you deal," Buffy said with a touch of bitterness.  "If they'd given him a decade of so maybe he could have come to terms, but oh no they had to fix things NOW and now you're stuck with Puppy.  Hopeless, helpless, defeated Puppy."

"Even on my best days no one would accuse me of being an optimist and really Puppy and I are the same person, just with a few years of different experiences," Angel pointed out.

"But you fix things," Buffy protested.  "Puppy just ends up paralyzed by what happened to him during those years."

Buffy glanced over at Kelly; Angel's eyes followed hers.  The woman was in pain, afraid and being stalked by a demon.  

"I can't help anyone," Angel protested.

"Come on Beloved, now isn't the time," Buffy told Angel.  He felt the connection between them strengthen.

"It's never the time," he groused.  "I don't want to do this, there are too many ways it can go wrong."

"I believe in you," Buffy told Angel with a gentle smile, her hand hovering over his cheek.  

Angel turned his head as if to nuzzle her palm.  "It almost seems like you're really here," Angel said.  "I like being able to see you."

"You never have bad hair days after you're dead," Buffy told him smugly.

"I don't know why you worry about your hair so much," Angel said, relaxing as the discussion brought other times to mind.  "It always looked nice to me."

"You were always biased," Buffy replied.  "But it's time to go to work.  I know you smell her pain, isn't it time you did something about it?"  
  


Angel glanced at Kelly.  "She can't take much more," he said quietly.

"Yeah, you've got to help her."

"I can't"

"You can!" Buffy snapped.  "I'll help.  We've got to take this one step at a time, how does the big ugly keep finding you?"

"Kelly was right, he comes every time we stop running," Angel said.  He paused.  For a second he looked irritated, then his expression transmuted into fear.  "He isn't finding us, he's playing with us.  Letting us think we've escaped, then when we gather ourselves he appears and sends us running again."

At Angel's words Kelly uncurled enough to stare at him.  "That's what it's been doing all along," she said in a pained voice.  "Waiting for me to find hope, just so it could take it away again."

Angel nodded solemnly, his dark eyes filling with sympathy.  "It's been escalating all along," he realized.  "Things disappearing more and more.  Then the electrical malfunctions. You said it got better when you gave up, but once you started putting your life back together it all came back.  After we got involved, when you fought back with magic, then the pain started.  Now there's an eight-foot demon keeping us from getting help.  I've seen this before… damn it, where have I seen this?"

"Angel, relax, it'll come to you," Buffy advised.

"It hasn't killed," Angel said reflectively.  "Not even me, not even when it threatened to.  Why not?  What does it get by just chasing us?"  
  


"More fear?" Buffy asked.

"Wouldn't she be even more afraid, more hopeless, if it killed the people she went to for help?" Angel asked.  "I don't think it can kill… It hasn't got permission?  Summoned to do someone's bidding… that fits."

I'm sure Angel had been there," Xander said when the whole group was assembled back at the office.  "Angel and some girl, she's human, I don't know her, but I couldn't get to them, this big, really big, demon kept chasing me off every time I tried to follow their trail."

"A demon?" Wesley asked.  "What sort?  It may give us a clue as to what's going on."

"It was big," Xander said.  "Eight feet tall, better than four hundred pounds big.  Three eyes…"

"Deep, bright blue right?" Angel asked and Xander nodded.  "Camphmore," she said decisively.  "A colleague from my demon days.  We went out a few times.  He specializes in professional jealousy.  He usually goes for long drawn out vengeance.  I was always a one shot type of girl, but romantic betrayal generally gets the emotions flowing right from the start, I mean how many times can you ask for a person's privates to shrivel up and fall off before it gets redundant?  Cam didn't have that kind of emotion to work with, usually it was all petty stuff, so he'd let them start small and then work from there, eventually they'd ask him for something nasty enough to be worth doing."

"Wait a minute, professional jealousy?" Gunn asked.  "And Angel was with a girl?  Didn't Kelly say all her problems started right after she got a promotion?"

"She did," Wesley replied a light dawning.

"We need to find out who didn't get that job don't we?" Cordy asked, and started pulling up files on the computer without waiting for a response.

Angel moved several yards down the tunnel from Kelly 

"You can follow the demon can't you?" he asked Buffy quietly.  

"Sure, follow it where?" 

"To the summoner," Angel replied.  "It can't get to us here, it'll have to go back for instructions.  I'm going to go out there, it'll come for me, I'll come back here, you'll find out who's pulling the strings."

"Then what?" Buffy asked.  

"Then you'll take me too it," Angel said.

"Um… what about the demon?" 

"It comes when we start thinking, planning, I'm not going to," Angel said.  "There's a part of me that's very good at following orders without thought or hope."

"Okay, I believe that," Buffy said.  "But what about her, and what happens when we get there?"

"She stays here until it's safe.  I'll figure out the rest when I get there, or you will."

"Wendy Carl, worked at the same place Kelly as did when this started, they have similar backgrounds, she probably applied for the same job, plus her family's from Sunnydale, she had a younger sister who the Scoobies met after she started summoning ghosts to help her pass history."

"I remember that," Xander said.  "They were really pissed off about the whole being disturbed from their eternal rest, I can…" he glanced at Anya then trailed off.  

"It was unpleasant.  The things people do to get ahead," Cordy said shaking her head.  "I've got an address."

"What are we waiting for?" Gunn asked.

Kelly watched Angel withdraw from reality, it wasn't the first time he'd done it that night, but it still scared her.  He was the only possible source of help she'd been able to get to and what if he didn't come back this time?

They'd tried one more quickly aborted break for it, then they'd retreated back here, and Angel had retreated to somewhere considerably farther away from the blank, emptiness in his expression.  

After about a half hour of waiting, Angel stood up and walked away.  Terrified of being left behind Kelly scurried after him.  As they left the access passage, Kelly felt her heart rate accelerate.  She hung back; ready to dart back to the safety of the cramped tunnel when the demon appeared, but still keeping Angel in sight.

The demon never appeared, but Kelly still felt more and more exposed the further they moved from their retreat, still she couldn't bring herself to go back alone, what if something else came for her, something smaller than the monstrosity that had pursued them through the day and previous night?

Kelly followed Angel across town, into a residential area, followed him up the stairs to the landing outside of an apartment.  There he paused.  Kelly crept closer.  To her alarm he staggered, then after leaning heavily against the wall for a long moment Angel seemed to collect himself and straightened.  He glanced at the welcome mat in front of the door.  "That makes life easy," he said to himself, then kicked the door open and walked in.

"Who do you think you are!" a vaguely familiar voice demanded and Kelly hurried after Angel into the apartment.

"How are you summoning it?" Angel responded glaring threatening at the tall, brown haired woman through amber eyes.

"Wendy?" Kelly asked in surprise.  "You're the one that's been doing this to me?  Why?"

"Do you have any idea what I did to get that position?" Wendy practically growled, spinning on the other woman, Angel apparently forgotten.

"No, but it couldn't have been work," Kelly snapped.  "I would have noticed if you'd ever done anything like that."

"Screw you!" Wendy snarled, "You think you're so great, picking up your life and moving on.  No matter what I do you always get everything!  Well no more, Cam's been begging me for this."  The woman clutched at a jeweled statue and yelled, "Cam!  You can kill her.  I want you to kill her, and her friend.  Fuck making her suffer, just make her dead."

Angel lunged for the statue as the demon that had been chasing them squeezed through the open door. 

Wendy danced back, putting her sofa between herself and Angel.  "Go ahead and kill them Cam!" she shrieked, "Heck go ahead and kill everyone at work.  I hate 'em all, they never appreciate anything I do!"

Kelly tackled Wendy, "That's because you never did anything, you crazy bitch!" she yelled. The statue fell to the floor, as the two women fought.

Cam grabbed Angel by the shoulder, grinning wickedly the demon tossed him across the room.  Angel's body smashed Wendy's kitchen table as he landed.  He rolled to his feet and dove for the statue.  As Cam came at him again, Angel hurled the statue to the floor then stamped on it, shattering it into a million pieces.

Cam froze where he stood, then he began to shrink in on himself, in a few seconds the enormous, three-eyed, demon was an average man.  "What have you done?" he demanded.  "I'm human."

"They made you human?" Angel asked in disbelief.  "That's your punishment?"  The dark haired vampire dropped onto the sofa and started laughing.

"This is disgusting, awful," Cam growled, glaring from his new form to the souled vampire.  Angrily the former demon snatched up a wooden shard from the broken table and stalked toward Angel.

"Don't even think about it," an icy voice told him.  Cam looked toward the doorway to see five latecomers, including a furious brunette, who was aiming a crossbow at his chest.  Defeated Cam dropped his makeshift stake.

"Hi Cam, long time no see," Anya greeted the other former demon cheerfully.

While Gunn separated the two women, Wesley, Cordy and Xander went to check on Angel.  The three stared at each other in bewilderment as Angel kept laughing helplessly as tears ran down his cheeks.  

"Angel?" Cordy asked in concern.

"They… punished him… by making him… human," Angel gasped, still laughing and crying uncontrollably.  "God… Why… couldn't… someone… have done… that… to me?"


	4. Necessary Evils

Shadow Lives

Part four:  Necessary Evils
    
                "*I* may be love's bitch, but at least *I'm* man enough to admit it."
    
                   – Spike, "Lover's Walk"

Angel looked around the little basement room without comprehension; the last thing he remembered was the apartment where Kelly's tormentor had lived.

Swiftly he rose to his feet and moved aside the wooden slates that acted as bars for the make shift cell.  Angel felt insubstantial arms wrap around his waist, "Glad you're back," her voice whispered in his ear.  He felt her lips brush across his cheek and then she was gone.

Angel smiled softly.  "Don't stay away long, Buffy," he said quietly then started up the stairs.

As he approached the kitchen, Angel noticed the smell of food cooking with a confused frown.

"This kitchen is totally inadequate," a woman's voice complained.

"We'll go shopping, Anya," Xander promised.

"We could use some other things as well," Anya announced as Angel came in.  "Oh hello, are you in there today?" she asked him.

"Hello," Angel replied.

"You seem much less catatonic this morning," Anya said.  "Good for you."

Angel blinked at the strange woman.  "Thanks, I guess."

"Angel!" Xander exclaimed, relief apparent in his voice.

"Hi," Angel said, a little embarrassed.  "What happened to Kelly?"

"She's fine," Xander said.  "Before you say anything, you're not going back to work this time."

"I had a bad…" Angel began.

"A bad two weeks," Xander interrupted.  "You cracked in the middle of a fight and nearly got staked.  You spent the next three hours having hysterics.  Then for the last two weeks you've been walking around in your own personal nightmare."

"Two weeks?" Angel asked.

"Yep," Anya said.  "Everyone's been scared half to death that you were permanently loony."

"Sorry," Angel replied.

"Angel?" Cordy asked hopefully as she walked in.

"Hey Cordy," Angel said turning to her, his expression apologetic.

"You're okay!" Cordy exclaimed hugging Angel enthusiastically.

"Sorry," Angel repeated, over Cordy's shoulder he saw two other women.  "Harry?  It's been… um… Hello."

"Angel, hi," Harry Doyle said.  "I hear you've been better."

"Been worse too," Angel replied.

"I'd like you to meet a colleague of mine; this is Jeanie Romain," Harry said.

Angel stepped back from Cordy.  "Pleased to meet you," he said hesitantly.

"Hello Angel," Jeanie said.  "I've worked predominately in research since finding out that humans aren't the only sentients around here, but I started in clinical psychiatry."

"What?" Angel asked.

"She studies demon psychology," Cordy said.  "We figured we'd have to spend months convincing the average shrink that you being crazy has nothing to do with you thinking you're a vampire, cause, well you are a vampire.   With Jeanie we can skip that whole stage, get right to the problem."

"You want me to talk to a psychiatrist?" Angel asked.

"Duh," Cordy replied.  "You're nuts."

"Ms. Chase, that isn't helpful," Jeanie said frowning.  "Angel you've been through a lot, would it hurt to talk to someone?  It doesn't mean you're crazy."

"Of course I am," Angel said.  "And I'd like to stay that way."

"Angel!" Cordy exclaimed.

"I'll find a way to deal with the…" Angel trailed off searching for a term.

"Panic attacks," Anya supplied helpfully.

"You haven't been dealing," Xander said quietly.  "That's the whole problem."

"Maybe I was pushing too hard," Angel offered.  "I could take more time before I start helping with cases again.  I'd stop trying to stop you from hovering."

"Why do you want to stay crazy?" Jeanie asked curiously.

Angel glanced at the floor uncomfortably.  "I like seeing Buffy," he mumbled.

"Buffy, the former Slayer?" Harry asked in surprise.  "She became a ghost?"  
  


"Oh for the love of…" Cordy huffed.  "You don't have to be a lunatic to see dead people around here.  We deal with dead people every day; ghosts, zombies, even a certain vampire who's died a couple times now."

"Buffy's not a ghost," Angel protested.

"What is she?" Harry asked.

"She's an angel," Angel said.  "She says I can talk to her because I'm not sane."

Jeanie gave Angel an appraising look.  "Have you ever heard it said that if you can consider the possibility that you might be insane then you're still sane?"  
 

Angel returned her look with skepticism.  "I say I'm crazy so I must be sane; isn't that the classical catch-22?"

"I guess it is at that," Jeanie said.  "But would it really be so bad to have someone to act as a sounding board and an objective listener.  You said you'd find a way to deal with what's happened to you.  Wouldn't that be easier if you had some help understanding why the problems were occurring?"  
  


Angel's expression wavered.

"Please talk to her," Cordy requested.

"Okay," Angel sighed.

  
Willow bit her lower lip nervously as she glanced at the neatly made up bed.

She searched the townhouse for notes, being extra careful, even using a levitation spell to make sure one hadn't fallen behind the stove.  She checked the batteries in the answering machine and her email account.

She checked the bathroom, Dawn's toothbrush was still there, she hadn't planned to spend the night away.

With a sigh, Willow picked up the phone.  "Hello, Stacy.  It's Willow.  Did Dawn spend the night at your hall?  …Okay … Could you have Carly tell her to call me?  They have an eight 'o clock together don't they?"

"How is it going?" Wesley asked in a whisper.

"He's talking to her," Xander said.  "When Jeanie came today, I think Angel was actually waiting for her.  Maybe this will work after all."

"Xander," Anya called, hurrying in with the cell phone pressed to her ear.  "It's Willow, Dawn and Spike are missing."

"Damn," Xander exclaimed snatching the phone.  "Wills, how long has Dawn been gone?"

Spike reclined back, slowly running his fingers through the long silky hair of the girl cradled against his chest.

She sighed in her sleep and stirred.  Spike stilled, waiting for her to finish rearranging herself.  She wrapped one arm possessively across his chest then slipped back into a deeper sleep.

"Dawnie, you're going to be the death of me," Spike told the sleeping young woman fondly as he remembered how this had all started…

….He'd woken to the odd sensation of a warm body pressed against his.  Small, delicate fingers traced burning patterns across his bare chest.  When soft inviting lips skimmed down his neck, Spike's eyes had popped open.

His first impression had been of long blond hair and a slender, feminine form.  "Am I dreaming?  Buffy?" Spiked had asked in confusion.

"If you want," she had promised in a low voice.

Spike had grabbed the girl by the shoulders and held her at arms length.  "Dawnie! What the bloody hell do you think you're doing?" he'd demanded.

Dawn had slowly slid her hands as far down his chest as she could reach with him restraining her.  "Seducing you," she'd answered.

Spike had felt his mouth drop open as he shoved Dawn off him and rolled to his feet.  "You… Dawnie…" Spike paused to throw a blanket over Dawn then snatched a sheet off the bed and wrapped it around his waist.  "You're a kid!  Buffy's kid sister.  This is disturbed."

"And that bothers you?" Dawn asked discarding the blanket.  "Besides, I'm sixteen.  Buffy was together with Angel at my age.  You're only half as old as he was."

"You are Buffy's kid sister," Spike had repeated, backing away.  Dawn stood and followed him, her movements slow and sultry.  "What did you do to your hair?" he'd asked, trying to keep his eyes above her neckline.

"Do you like?" Dawn asked ducking her head and shaking her hair forward over her breasts.

"It makes you look like your sister," Spike had replied.  His heel hit the wall behind him.

"Good," Dawn whispered leaning up against Spike to kiss him.

Spike moaned at the smell/taste/feel of her, struggling to remember why he though of her in a kid sister way.  Dawn used his reaction to deepen the kiss.

Spike lifted her in his arms and carried her back to the bed…

…And the next evening he'd resolved to never do that again.   Spike remembered that had lasted a week exactly, then he'd gone to her and the little minx had laid out her terms.

"And here I was worrying that you were too young," he whispered.  "You knew exactly what you wanted didn't you?"

Dawn yawned languidly.  "I wanted you," she answered.

"You wanted to own me," Spike corrected.

"I wanted you to be someone I could love," Dawn replied.

Angel held out his scarred hands.  "Not even the outside's the same anymore.  I didn't think that could change," he said.  "Still if I'm careful I can keep the scars covered up, then everyone forgets that they're there.  Why can't I forget?  I need to concentrate on what's happening now, but all I can think about is what can go wrong.  Nothing is same."

 "I can't use a spell to find them because of Dawn's keyness, she's protected from scrying eyes," Willow said.

"You're sure they're together?" Xander asked.  "Cause if they are couldn't you just look for Spike?"

"I know they're together," Willow sighed.  "Spike's close enough to her that I can't find him either."

"Can he be trusted to protect her still?" Xander asked.

"He'd die for her," Willow said.

Anya shrugged, unimpressed.  "It's not like he has anything else to live for.  All the demons hate him and he can't stand being alone."

"He'd die without her," Willow added.

"Good," Xander said.  "I guess we'll just have to search the old fashion way; who do you intimidate for information these days?"

"It's still Willie," Willow said.  "He's sort of become an institution he's been around so long."

"I shouldn't be enjoying the idea of showing off my fangs to him should I?" Xander asked.

"So, let me get this straight: in the other dimension you were essentially a POW for years.  Imprisoned and tortured to the point where you gave up even hoping for an escape?  And in this world your previous life ended with your murder at a time when you believed you'd betrayed your friends and your mission.  Now you want to know why you can't simply step back into your old, highly stressful; and by stressful I mean life and death decisions; life without difficulties?" Jeanie asked.

"I dealt with hell, why not this," Angel said with a shrug.  

"Your other self didn't," Jeanie sighed.  "Whatever it was that let you deal with Hell happened after the timelines split…"

"And since Puppy can't deal, I can't either," Angel said.

"Yeah," Jeanie replied.  "Right now if you're put under too much stress you end up blacking out for hours or even days.  That's what we're trying to deal with."

"We should do this again next year," Dawn said snuggling up against Spike as they walked back to the townhouse.

"Spike!" an outraged voice shouted.  Dawn stumbled as the blond vampire was jerked away from her.  "You're supposed to be taking care of Dawn!"

"Xander, I'm right here!" Dawn exclaimed.

"Dawn? You're not a kid anymore," Xander said releasing Spike as he turned to stare at Dawn.

"I wish I could say the same.  Geese Xander, how old were you when you got turned?  Forget about getting into bars, you'll be lucky if they give you a driver's license." Dawn said.

"Why didn't you leave a note?" Willow demanded running to catch up with Xander.  "Dawn you were out all night, you skipped classes…"

"Its college Wills, everyone skips classes," Dawn replied.

"That's not the point!" Willow yelled.  "I was worried.  How many times have the bad guys targeted you?"

"Oh give it a rest Witch," Spike said.  "It's our anniversary, I wanted to surprise her."

"Your what?" Xander growled pulling Dawn away from Spike.

"They're only dating," Willow said.  "I didn't say anything because I thought you'd get mad."

"I am mad," Xander snarled. "You have no idea what he is."

"I'm a vampire," Spike replied.  "Sort of like you.  Hell you even smell like family blood.  Who turned you?  Darla?  Are you what she finally replaced Angelus with?"

"We're not the same," Xander snapped.  "I have a soul."

"And I have a heart," Spike shot back.  "Can you love without your soul, Xander?"

"Enough Spike!" Dawn commanded.  "Xander, Spike has been a white hat for a long time.  There's nothing wrong with me dating him.  Now let's just go home, okay?  Spike I'll stop by the crypt after classes tomorrow, right?"

Angel looked around; there was a puddle of… something on the stairs.  There was no smell, the hall was unnaturally dark, dark enough that Angel was incapable of making out color.

He knelt and gingerly touched the substance.  It was sticky, warm, familiar.  It was blood.  Angel's mind rebelled at the lack of smell, but he knew it was fresh blood.

"Hands in the air!" a voice barked behind him.  How could have missed this guy's heartbeat, not to mention his footsteps?  Angel wondered as he turned and threw a Chinese star at his ambusher.

The knife edged disk embedded in the man's hand and he dropped the gun.

Angel felt like he was moving through molasses as he attacked the man, he just couldn't move fast enough.  The guy almost had time to draw a back up gun before Angel grabbed him.  

Angel pinned the man against the wall, trying to ignore how much effort it took and demanded, "Where is hostage?"

"Screw you," the man replied.

Angel let his features shift to his game face.  "Wanna rethink that response?" he asked.

The man looked confused,  "Um… why?"  
  


"I remember this working better," Angel said brushing his free hand across his forehead.  "I could swear I changed… oh, right… okay new tactics."  

Angel pulled another Chinese star from his coat and pressed it against his prisoner's mouth.  "Now tell me what I want to hear or we'll find out how far I can shove this down your throat."

"How could you let her date Spike?" Xander asked glancing in the general direction of Dawn's room.

"Because it worked," Willow replied, staring at the floor.  "You weren't here, you don't know what it's been like."

"What's that got to do with this?" Xander demand.

"Buffy died.  Faith's sitting in jail making sure no new Slayer is called.  There's a reason why we have a Slayer, you know;  'The one girl in all the world with the speed and strength…' You remember that?  Maybe Angel could have filled in till Faith got paroled, but he was dead." Willow exclaimed.   "We tried, you know we tried.  It only took the bad guys a month to kill you.  After that we got more cautious, but the number of monsters kept rising."

"Eventually a new big bad heard that the Hellmouth was undefended.  We beat him, but the spell was too much.  I managed to protect Tara from the backlash, but I couldn't protect myself as well.  It put me in a coma for almost two months.  By the time I woke up Giles was dead too," Willow continued.

"Magic isn't enough, spell casters need someone to keep the bad guys away while they work," Willow explained.  "I could handle a duel, but not a bunch of minions.  So we paid Spiked to fight, it worked for a while but…"

…"Well, well, well, what have we here?  A demon doing evil, I suppose I'll just have to put a stop to this," Spike announced.

"The traitor," the demon said dropping his victim.  "When I kill you I'll never have to buy a drink for myself again."

"* When * you kill me, it'll be the day * after * I take up sunbathing," Spike sneered.

"You think you're such hot stuff blondie.  You're just a little thing," the demon laughed.

Spike smiled and punched the larger demon in the stomach then when it doubled over he smashed its face into his knee.

Spike stepped back and waited for the other demon to shake it off.  When it started climbing to its feet Spike spun and kicked it in the head, knocking it on it's back.

Spike pushed his heel into its throat.  "Guess I'm big enough," he said waiting for fear to fill the demon's eyes then ground his foot down on its neck crushing its windpipe and spine.

"I'll have to charge Red overtime for tonight," Spike said walking over to the demon's victim.  "Hope you didn't faint, chit.  I hate it when they faint.  Red won't pay till I get 'em home safe. Huh, what she doesn't know won't hurt her."

Spike rolled the girl over on to her back; his hand came away covered in blood.  "Oh, guess I don't have to worry 'bout her anyway," he said licking the girl's blood off his hand.

"Still warm," he commented.  "Shame to let it go to waste…"

… "Maybe the first time it wasn't something Spike could have prevented," Willow sighed.  "But it just kept happening, Spike would kill the demons, but someone seemed to turn up dead more often than not.  His feeding off the bodies was just awful, it was so wrong."

"I threatened to stop paying him if it kept happening," Willow said.  "He told me the blood was payment enough and that if I didn't pay him he'd only kill them when they had a dead victim for him to feed off of afterwards."

"So how does this lead to Spike and Dawn as an item?" Xander asked angrily.

"She slept with him then told him it was a one time deal unless he straightened up," Anya said.  "Women controlling men through sex is a time honored tradition."

"Let me see if I understand what you're saying," Xander said, his voice rising.  "Dawn is whoring herself to Spike with your consent!"

"It's not like that!" Dawn yelled from her room at the head of the stairs.  "I like Spike.  I like dating him… and sleeping with him."

"It's not right Dawn," Xander exclaimed.  "You deserve better than to waste your life as the keeper for a serial killer, and I'm going to put a stop to this."  He grabbed up his jacket and a stake and stormed out of the house.

"Xander!  No!" Dawn screamed running after him.

"Spike!  Spike!  Wake up!" Dawn screamed as she threw herself after Xander into the depths of Spike's crypt.

"Thanks for the warning Luv," Spike said shutting off his TV and standing to face Xander.

Xander lunged forward.  Spike batted the stake aside and punched the younger vampire.

Xander stumbled back a few steps then kicked Spike.  He followed up with another attempt to stake Spike.

Spike grabbed Xander's wrist and spun him around to slam into the wall.  Spike pinned Xander there with a forearm pressed across his throat.  Slowly Spike turned the stake around and forced it back toward Xander's chest.  Spike's blue eyes blazed angrily.

"Okay.  Spike, you can stop now," Dawn said.

"He wants to take you away from me," Spike objected.

"You're murdering scum," Xander hissed.

"Former murdering scum," Spike replied.  "Like you.  Only you're going to be dust in about five seconds."

Dawn grabbed Spike's arm.  "Don't Spike.  He can't break us up, but if you hurt him, I swear I'll walk," she cried.

Spike abruptly altered his hold on Xander's arm and slammed his hand into the wall, forcing him to drop the stake.  "You're not worth it, Harris," he said.  "Get the hell out of my home."

"Cordy, how are things going?" Xander asked cradling the phone against his shoulder.

"Things aren't great, or even good yet," Cordy replied.  "But they're slowly getting better."

"Should I come back?" Xander asked.

"Is everything okay with Dawn?" Cordy asked.

"We found her, but that's only the tip of the iceberg problem wise," Xander sighed.

"Then stay there," Cordy said.  "Jeanie's got some ideas for helping Angel, we've got things under control here.  Besides, I don't know that there's anything any of us can really do to help.  Honestly, I feel really helpless when it comes to Angel, so if there's something you can do to make things better in Sunnydale, be grateful for it."

"Actually, I was thinking of tossing Dawn in the car and dragging her down to LA with Anh and I, what she needs most is to get away from bad influences," Xander said.  "Only Spike would probably just follow her and they made us both promise no more violence.  Not that it would do me any good, I got spoiled in the other reality, most of the Master's old guard got wiped out during the Harvest.  I've had to fight a vampire that was older than myself and healthy before.  Now I don't have a choice, because promises or not I've got a feeling that this is going to end with either Spike or I dusted."

"Stupid maze," Angel muttered.  "How am I supposed to find anything?"

He heard the crack of a gunshot and ran in the direction it came from.  A second shot led him to a door.  Angel kicked it open and rushed in.

"Too late hero," the bad guy said raising his gun.  Angel stared at the dead body laying at the man's feet in shock.

"No," Angel protested.  He barely registered the crack of the gun or the room fading to black around him.  "I let her die," Angel stammered.  "I didn't save her.  She died."

Suddenly Angel felt something being pulled off his head and he was back in the warehouse.  "No one died Angel," Jeanie assured him.  "It was just a game, no one really dies, remember?"  

"He shot her.  I didn't get there soon enough," Angel continued.  "I took too long, she died."

"Angel!" Jeanie yelled.  "Concentrate, look at me, listen to me."

Jeanie waited several minutes while Angel forced his mind into the here and now.

"Okay, you're doing better.  You did freeze up several times but you pulled yourself back together without me stopping the game.  That's real progress on your part."

"She still died," Angel pointed out.

"Those games aren't fair," Buffy said.  "You can't smell, your hearing and sight are muffled, you're only given human strength and reflexes, it's ridiculous."

"You managed with only human abilities once," Angel said.

He knew Buffy's mouth was twisting with distaste even though he couldn't see her.  "The cerma-thingy," she said.  "I hated that thing."

"You still passed," Angel pointed out.  "I have to figure out a way to do the same.  At least I'm not loosing real lives.  I have to remember that.  I have to get over freezing before it is a real person that dies."

"If it were real you would have saved her, even with the space outs," Buffy said.  "You lost more time because of the game's limitations than you did to the other stuff."

"Doesn't matter, I've got to get over the other stuff."  Angel replied.

"I still think the game's a cheat," Buffy said.  "I know you, if it had of been real you would have been there in time."

"Ms. Romain, I'm really not comfortable with your methods," Wesley said.  "On one hand if Angel can't maintain objectivity about these games you're forcing him into a situation that's nothing less than torture for him.  On the other hand if he can remember that none of what he sees is real you're falsely building his confidence.  How can we trust that it will carry over into real life?"

"How else would you suggest I expose him to levels of stress comparable to those he'd normally face without placing him in actual danger?" Jeanie challenged.  "Angel can handle stress, but not the level of stress created when other people's lives are on the line.  For most people that would be good enough, but not for what Angel wants to do.  I've suggested he look into another type of work, but this is what he believes he was destined to do.  And I think I am helping.  Virtual reality games are quite impressive these days, if you haven't tried one in the last year you'd be surprised."

"I still think it's cruel," Wesley said quietly.  "You've implied that Angel is sufficiently involved in the games to forget that they aren't real."

"While they're playing, once he's out of the game he knows they're not real," Jeanie inserted.  "He's disconcerted because they were designed with humans in mind, I didn't realize how much sharper his senses are and I wish I could change the game so that it's programmed limitations wouldn't cripple him, but I can't.  This is the closest I can get to combat stress, without putting anyone at risk and I believe they will help him deal with real crises eventually."

"I've played video games," Wesley said.  "You die or lose dozens of times before you win.  You're setting Angel up to fail, repeatedly.  I can't believe that it's good for him."

"Then tell me another way to provide the stress levels he needs," Jeanie repeated.

"We're going to try something new tonight," Jeanie said.  "Your friends tell me you're more comfortable with people trying to kill you than with making small talk, so we're going to a club.  You're going to introduce yourself to three new people and have a conversation with each of them."

Angel looked longingly for the VR equipment.  "You're joking right?" he asked.

Jeanie shook her head.  "Go get ready."

"I've never been good at talking to people," Angel protested.  "I function just fine without being able to socialize casually.  There isn't a point to this."

"You're proving my point.  You need to work on dealing with stress," Jeanie said.  "This is stressful."

"But I…" 

"No buts, you promised you'd try some new things."

"This isn't new it's just…"

"Same principal.  Get ready.  You can go back to the game tomorrow."

"How are things in Sunnydale?" Cordy asked.

"I found Spike in Dawn's bed yesterday, how does it sound like things are going?" Xander asked irritably.  "I thought maybe I was making some progress after he started threatening me again despite his promise.  I didn't think he'd risk upsetting Dawn unless she was starting to listen to me, then this happens."

"Can I just say yuck," Cordy replied making a face.  "How many times has he tried to kill us?  I mean it's not like he has a good excuse, there's a world of difference between Angel and Angelus, but Spike… he's just Spike, the exact same guy who brought the bug guy to Sunnydale to kill her big sister, and now Dawn's sleeping with him?  What the hell is she thinking?"

"According to Willow, she thinks she's keeping Sunnydale safe from the monsters," Xander said tiredly.  "Spike was the only one with superpowers, so Dawn 'recruited' him to take Buffy's place."

"Why didn't they just call us?" Cordy asked.  "Wes, Gunn and I could have helped.  Sure we're all just humans, but we're a good team, we make do."

"It probably never occurred to them," Xander said bluntly.  "While you and Wes were here, you were never exactly the big guns.  Besides, what if Wills is right?  What if it does take a Slayer or someone nearly equivalent?  I only lasted a month without Buffy as the backbone of the Slayerettes… I really don't want to talk about this, I hate thinking that Dawn didn't have a choice or that they may have really needed Spike.  How's Angel?"

"Jeanie's making him socialize to get used to stress again," Cordy said.  "It shouldn't be funny, but it really is.  How can anyone possibly get more stressed about someone flirting with him than about a vampire trying to kill him?"

"Angel got attacked?" Xander asked worriedly. 

"It was just one of Penn's childer, the guy was as dumb as his Sire.  It wasn't a big deal, hardly worth mentioning. He came, he made noise, Angel staked him, for some reason Angel doesn't get all freaky when people want to kill him, it's just when they try to kill other people." Cordy said.  "We're getting things back together, really we are.  Angel's admitting it when he starts stressing out now.  That way we can pull him back before he falls apart.  Jeanie say it'll happen less and less as Angel gets used to making decisions again."

"He didn't have the option of getting help in that mess with Kelly Ricks," Xander reminded.

"He doesn't do solo cases anymore," Cordy said.  "In fact we're pretty much keeping him out of the violent stuff altogether.  It was kind of a surprise, but with all the different languages he speaks he's really good at research, and he's good at tactics too.  You'd never have know it from the old days, but when he doesn't get to lead the charge Angel does a lot more planning."

"He isn't rebelling against all this?" Xander asked.

"Angel wants to get better," Cordy replied.

"It sounds like you guys are doing okay.  It's good to hear things are going right for some of us anyway.  I guess I'll keep trying to talk some sense into Dawn, or maybe we'll get lucky and Spike'll fall on stake.  Bye Cordy," Xander said hanging up the phone.  He turned to see Willow standing in the doorway behind him.

"Spike's not all bad," she said quietly.  

"Give me an example." Xander challenged.

"I made a mistake once," Willow said.  "An awful one, Spike helped fix it.  I don't know if it was out of respect for Buffy's memory or out of concern for Dawn, but he did it."

"Using Spike as a mercenary wasn't my first thought after Giles died…"

…Willow glanced nervously around the cemetery then sat the spell components around the grave and began chanting.  The power that filled her felt like flames and filth as she called up something old and dark.

She vomited as the power ran through her, coating her insides with its corruption.  The power flowed from her into the ground and Willow felt something stir.

The ground over the grave erupted and a withered, half rotted hand clawed its way free.

"No," Willow whimpered.  "It's not supposed to be like this."

A second arm emerged from the grave, like a swimmer breaking the surface.

"Return!  Return!" Willow scream, but only a flicker of power answered her call, not nearly enough to overcome the spell's inertia.

The not-dead thing that had been Buffy finished pulling itself out of the ground and stood up.

Willow screamed and scrambled back as it's shriveled eyes met hers.  Slowly, evilly, the thing smiled then turned and shambled off in the direction of the Summers' home.

Willow grabbed a nearby branch and attacked the thing she had raised.

The decaying corpse caught the branch in mid-swing and tore it from Willow's grasp.  Then it shoved the red head to the ground.  "Haven't you done enough, Witch?" it rasped.

Sobbing Willow fled, crawling then scrambling to her feet, only to trip over a tombstone as she ran blindly away from what she had brought about.

Several minutes later strong, cool arms caught her and set her on her feet.  "You're in a bloody awful state Red," Spike commented sardonically.  

"She wasn't Buffy," Willow cried.  "I just wanted Buffy back.  I wanted it back like it used to be before…"

Spike shook the witch roughly.  "You brought Buffy back?" he demanded.

Willow nodded.  Spike dropped the girl and took off running in the direction she'd come from.

Willow got back to her feet and hurried out of the cemetery to a pay phone.

"Slayer!" Spike cried triumphantly, seeing the slight blond figure in a tattered black dress.

Slowly the thing turned back to face Spike.

"Buffy," Spike said in shock.  "What's she done to you?  No worries luv, old Spike'll fix it right up, good as new."

"What could you do for me?" the Slayer's shell asked in a voice like dried twigs rubbing together.

"I'll find a way to put you to rights," Spike promised.  "You'll see.  You and me, everything'll go our way."

"You Spike?  You'll do all that?  You're weak, impotent… useless," it said, its voice filled with malice.  "Why would anyone want you?"

For a moment Spike's face was open and vulnerable, "Took a page from Angelus' book," he said, his voice filled with hurt and the thing smiled cruelly.  

Spike shifted to the vampire.  "You're not her," he said more firmly.  "You're just a demon, nothing like her."

"Tara, I did something really bad," Willow sobbed into the phone.

Spike punched the thing, his fist sunk into it's rotted flesh, but it didn't appear to feel pain.  

It grabbed him by the throat and lifted till he was forced up on his toes.

"Return to eternal rest," Tara chanted, lighting a candle in the Summers' kitchen. "Let this spell be broken."

"Return to dust," Willow's voice added, from the phone's speaker.  "Let this spell be broken."

"Return to dirt," Tara choked out, fighting sudden nausea her magic recharged Willow's using the red-head's link to the creature to break the spell that had risen it. "Let this spell be broken."

"Return to grave," Willow said. "Let this spell be broken."

"Return, now!  Let this spell be broken," Tara completed the spell and blew out the candle, then she struggled to forced her link with Willow, and her tainted magic, to close.

Spike felt the crushing grip on his throat loosen, then the thing that had once been Buffy crumpled to the ground like a puppet with its strings cut.

He watched the still body suspiciously for several minutes, when it showed no further signs of animation he scooped it up in his arms and started walking back toward Buffy's grave.

He found Willow kneeling by the tombstone, her face streaked with tears.  Spike ignored her.  He set Buffy's body on the ground and began clearing the disturbed dirt out of the grave.

Silently Willow moved to help him.  

Several minutes later Tara joined them, she handed the shovel she'd brought with her to Spike.

"We needed her," Willow said, going to Tara.  "I thought the PTB would make her come back right because we need her." 

"Don't," Tara cried backing away from Willow.

"I'm sorry, I thought it would work," Willow sobbed.

"Raising the dead is the most forbidden type of magic.  You knew that Willow," Tara accused.  "Look what it's done to you."

"I just wanted to make things better.  I'm so sorry," Willow repeated, grabbing Tara's hand and falling to her knees in front of the other girl.

Tara jerked away, doubling over in pain, "Don't touch me," she cried…

… "Tara stuck out the school year," Willow said quietly.  "I got the townhouse so she'd have space while I tried to purify my magic.  It never worked.   I can't combine my magic with any white witch, not without making them feel sick.  Tara and I had a connection; distance was the only way she could close me out."

"She transferred to another school the following year.  Tara wanted Dawn to come with her when she left, only Dawn felt that abandoning Sunnydale would be betraying Buffy's memory," Willow continued.  "Maybe I should have been the one to leave, maybe Tara would have done a better job of handling things, but Sunnydale was my home.  We never thought about whether or not I could actually do any good, or even if I were the best person to try."

"I did the best I could Xander, but Dawn and Anya couldn't fight and I needed a back up.  Spike was the only option we had.  Dawn figured out how to make him reliable.  Don't begrudge her her feelings for him; they make it better for her.  She only did what needed to be done to keep Sunnydale protected."

"Well I'm here now," Xander said.  "You don't need him, she doesn't have to do that anymore."

Angel pounded on the punching bag mercilessly.  

"Is this a grudge match?" Cordy asked, coming in behind him.

"I'm sick of all this," Angel snarled leaning back to kick the bag.

"All what?" Cordy asked.

Angel punctuated each phrase with a blow, "Video games, talking about myself with Jeanie, socializing," Angel uttered the last word like it was a curse.  "I'm tired of being wrong inside."

"Well, I think you're getting better," Cordy said.

Angel caught the bag then turned to face Cordy.

"Just think about it.  You're all stressed-out and upset.  And you reacted to that by beating the stuffing out of something instead of by taking a reality vacation," Cordy explained.  "Sure, for most people violence is not a healthy way of dealing with things but you and Buffy are strange, so like I said, this is improvement."

"I should be doing something.  I'm wasting time," Angel said.  "There's something I need to be doing now."

"Angel, you're immortal," Cordy said.  "You've got all the time in the world."

"I don't want that, remember?" Angel asked then changed the subject.  "I've got to get cleaned up, Jeanie wants me to go to another club.  Did you save my ring by any chance?"

"What ring?" Cordy asked.

"It's silver, has two hands holding a heart with a crown over it," Angel said.

"Oh yeah, it's in your box.  Haven't you unpacked yet?" Cordy asked.  "And why do you want it anyway?"

"I'm tired of everyone I talk to deciding I'm hitting on them," Angel explained.  "I thought the ring might make it clear I'm taken.  I just want to talk, I don't want to go to bed with anyone."

"Your soul's permanent and Buffy's dead," Cordelia reminded him.

"So am I," Angel replied.

"It's not the same," Cordelia objected.

"Doesn't matter, I'm still hers." 


	5. Having Faith

 Shadow Lives

Part 5: Having Faith
    
               "Because you are the Slayer. Into each generation a Slayer is born, one girl 
    
                 in all the world, a Chosen One, one born with the strength and skill to hunt 
    
                 the vampires..." – Giles, "Welcome to the Hellmouth"

Faith fidgeted nervously as she waited for the doors to open, doors that hadn't opened for her in six and a half years.  It was a big day, parole, a second chance and a friend waiting for her on the other side of those heavy steel doors.

A little better than three month ago the news she had a visitor had been a shock only second to the whole 'you're a Slayer' thing.  When she'd seen Angel after so many years her first reaction had been to turn around and walk out, but apparently the anger management classes were actually worth the time she spent in them, because she'd sat down and picked up the phone….

…"I know," Faith had said sarcastically.  "Time just flew, what's half a decade between friends."

Angel had looked away uncomfortably.  "Sorry, you know the job's a killer," he'd replied.

"You don't look overly dead," Faith had said.

This time Angel met her eyes squarely through the glass, "You should have seen me seven months ago."

And Faith had seen something that was downright scary in his dark eyes.  "Oh screw this, I don't care if everyone thinks I'm crazy.  You were dead?  As in ashes to ashes, dust to dust dead?"

Angel shrugged.  "Lost a fight about five years back," he'd said.   "Before that I acted like an idiot for a few months, you probably should be mad at me for not visiting then."

"Wow, I really miss out on the gossip in here," Faith had remarked, in a voice that was more stunned than anything else.  "So you died and no one even bothered to tell me… guess I can't really blame them.  Still… Damn, now I feel rotten for the year or so I spent hating you.  I'm glad you're better now… um is there any other news I've missed out on being in here?"

Angel had looked tired as he considered how to answer that question.  "Xander's like me now…"

"You mean with the grr?" Faith had asked making what Angel supposed was a human approximation of a vampire face.

"Yeah, and with having a soul," Angel had trailed off for a few moments more.  "Buffy died, a few months after I did."

"Damn," Faith had exclaimed.  "I bet she was saving the world or something like that."

"She made her death count," Angel had said, a touch of bittersweet pride colored his voice.  

"That's B, a real, live hero," Faith had replied.  "Have you met the new girl?"

"There was no new Slayer," Angel had said hesitantly.  "The line runs through you now…"

…She'd never intended to become a bad person, Faith thought as the doors began to swing open.  And when she'd recognized what she'd become Faith had hated herself.  She'd hated the things she'd done.

That was what prison was about, paying for the things she'd done wrong in her life.  She'd never expected the news of Buffy's death to hit her like it had.

Faith had looked at herself as being the second string Slayer.  Sort of like the spare tire in the trunk of your car, the one you routinely cursed for taking up space and if you ever actually needed it you could only count on it for a handful of miles so you just prayed that it was going to be good enough to hold up until you could replace it with another real tire.  Who would ever want her when they could have Buffy?

Faith had never felt the whole Sacred Duty thing.  Buffy was the one with a destiny; Faith was just a mistake.  Sure she had enjoyed the slaying, not to mention the strength and invulnerability that came with being a Slayer, but the responsibility had never felt like it was hers.

Hearing that she was the only Slayer now, that her mistakes, her past had left the world without any Slayer for the past five years left Faith with a new sort of guilt.  Left her with the feeling that people had counted on her and she'd let them down.  Angel's visits had been the only thing that kept had kept her sane for the last three months of her jail stay.  It'd been hell,  living with the knowledge that everyday she was in jail was another day the world suffered for her mistakes. 

Well not after tonight, Faith thought with determination.  Starting tonight the Slayer was back and she wasn't going to betray the memories of all the girls who'd gone before her, not again.

Carrying a barely filled duffle bad containing everything she owned Faith walked out of the prison that had been her whole world for years.

"Angel!" she exclaimed happily upon seeing the souled vampire waiting for her.  Impulsively Faith hugged the man who'd been her only visitor during her entire sentence.

For a moment Angel stiffened then he awkwardly returned her embrace.  "Ready to get out of here?" he asked.

"Let's blow this joint," Faith laughed.

"Kate's waiting in the car," Angel said as they left the building.  "She pulled some strings and got assigned as your probation officer.  She understands about our world, you won't get in trouble for being the Slayer with her."  Angel offered Faith a half smile.  "Think of her as your new Watcher."

Catching a glimpse of the blonde woman waiting for them Faith asked, "Wasn't she the detective that arrested me?"

"She was.  Is that going to be a problem?" Angel asked.

"Naw, it'll be good to see a familiar face," Faith replied with a grin.  "So when can I get to work?"

"Candles, romantic music, fancy food; I like this," Anya said looking around the apartment.

Xander smiled.  "I guess that means I haven't totally forgotten the niceties of dating," he said as he pulled a chair out for her.

"Are we having a special occasion?" Anya asked worriedly, as she sat.  "I don't remember today being any sort of anniversary and it would be very bad if I forgot, because woman aren't supposed to forget anniversaries, that's the man's thing.  After a century of vengeance I know these sort of stuff."

Xander scooted her chair in then leaned down to hug her, resting his cheek against hers for a long moment.  "Relax, enjoy, it's not that kind of a special occasion," he said then kissed her and took his own seat.  "I just wanted to do something to show you how I felt about you."

"I… um" Anya smiled brilliantly.  "I feel all warm and mushy.  I'd forgotten warm mushies, they're very pleasant."

Xander started to reply when a small chest crashed through the window followed by several large demons.

"Not now!" Xander exclaimed, pulling Anya protectively behind him.  

The lead demon opened the chest, "It's not here," the demon exclaimed, a confused expression on it's face.  Then a cloud of dust glowing with magic rose from the open box to surround the demons.  They roared in mindless fury and turned to attack Xander and Anya.

"Here they are, safe and sound," Kate announced once they arrived at the office.  Faith rolled her eyes at the way the former detective delivered her into Wesley's custody then was surprised to catch a similar expression of frustration on Angel's face.

"Thank you.  Um… Faith… welcome," Wesley stammered uncomfortably.

"Hey…" Faith said.  Then she took a deep fortifying breath, glanced at Angel for reassurance and plunged in.  "I'm sorry about last time, with the… you know… um torture… I really am sorry… and about hitting you," Faith tagged on with a glance toward Cordelia.  "I know I don't deserve this chance, so well, thanks for letting me have it."

"Water under the bridge," Wesley said graciously.  "I would like to discuss some ground rules and expectations with you however."

"Sure thing," Faith replied eagerly.  "It's good to know the rules, helps keep you from breaking them.  I want to be a good Slayer now."

Wesley ushered Faith into the inner office.  She took a chair, squirming slightly.

"Angel Investigations is a team," Wesley started off.  "And I expect you to behave as a part of that team.  That means no going off on your own to kill things."

"Okay, I can handle that."

"Initially I intend to keep you paired with either Gunn, Cordy or myself.  You've been out of the game for years; it will take time to re-establish your judgment in combat situations.  You will respect our decisions; if we decide to call in reinforcements or to withdraw, you won't argue.  We will set the objectives for your missions as well."

"Why don't you pair me with Angel?" Faith asked, trying not to be challenging.

Then it was Wesley's turn to fidget uncomfortably.  "At times, frequently in truth, the entire team will be working as a unit, in which case you will be working with Angel," Wesley equivocated.  "But in situations calling for smaller teams it makes sense to pair the two of you with a human so that the teams are more balanced."

"Okay, whatever," Faith said trying not to frown.  She didn't know why Wesley was so opposed to her working with Angel, but that wasn't it.  She liked patrolling with Buffy.  The two of them, together, it had made her feel invincible.  She'd imagined working with Angel would be the same.  With a normal person she'd have to look out for them… Still Buffy had teamed with the Scoobs and she was turning over a new leaf… "I'm five by five with it," Faith concluded in a less sulky tone.

"Good to hear," Wesley replied.  "Now on to the lesser matters.  We open the office at…"

Xander surveyed the remains of his romantic dinner, the three demon corpses and the damage to the apartment in general.  "And so goes another typical date on the Hellmouth," he sighed.

"It's the thought that counts," Anya said poking cautiously at a trace of shimmery green powder in the bottom of the chest.  "Colme powder," She said analytically.  "No wonder they were so violent… It's odd, I received an order of the stuff by mistake at the magic box the other day.  I was going to send it back.  The last thing Sunnydale needs is a substance that makes most demons go nuts."

"What happened to it?" Xander asked.

"I don't know.  It turned up missing before I had the chance to get it re-boxed for shipping."

"Is this how it always is?"  Faith complained.  "I'm just asking for some action."

Gunn shrugged sympathetically and handed her a sword and a polishing rag.  "Something'll come up, eventually."

"I just feel like I should be doing something.  Back in Sunnydale I could have probably counted the number of quiet nights on my fingers," Faith said.  " B and I found something worth fighting damn near every time we went for a walk, here we don't even bother to patrol."

"In LA it's hard to tell the integrated demons from the legitimate targets until they started stirring up trouble," Gunn replied.

"Still if I were out there…" Faith protested.

"Then there's the whole human bad guy element," Gunn continued.  "We ain't vigilantes, can't go out and kill 'em.  We have to settle for foilin' they're plans."

"How do you know what's going on if you're always holed up in here?" Faith asked.

"Cordy watches the net and now she's gettin' the visions again, Wes has his prophecies and I maintain contacts around town," Gunn said.

"And what about Angel?" Faith asked.

"Angel hasn't been back long," Gunn said.

"You're sure that's what it says on the order form?" Anya asked.  "… Thank you for checking."

"The order wasn't a mistake was it?" Xander asked.

Anya shook her head, frowning.  "He swears it was all spelled out, colme powder was the order, they even paid for it with the store's credit card.

"Who could have gotten access to that?  As if I didn't know," Xander said.

Anya looked uncertain.  "But Spike couldn't throw the chest through the window, I might have gotten hurt, the chip would have stopped him."

"That's a pretty indirect form of harm, he might not have even know you were home," Xander replied.  "We don't know exactly what the chip's limits are."

"Why didn't Angel come with us?" Faith asked.

"Faith please," Wesley said offering her his cupped hands.

Faith shook her head; took a few running steps then jumped up to the air vent then pulled herself in.

"He came up with the plan, He's got to be as bored as Gunn and I were," she argued as she squirmed back around and gave Wesley a hand up.

"Angel was the best person to translate that text," Wesley replied.  "Now could we deal with this nest?"

"I was just thinking, you're the Watcher," Faith pointed out with a grunt as she pulled him into the vent after her.

"And Angel is the one who actually speaks Gaelic as a native language," Wesley sighed waiting for Faith to get turned back around in the narrow confines of the vent.  "Please concentrate on the task at hand."

"We're the distraction right?" Faith asked crawling through the vents.

"Yes, we need to lure the adult Zekary off," Wesley said following her.

"I think Angel should have gone with Gunn," Faith said.  "Which way?"

"Take a left," Wesley replied.  "Vampires and fire aren't really a good mix."

"Like humans so much safer with it," Faith replied.  "We're getting closer."

"How can you tell?" Wesley asked.

"Can't you smell it?" Faith asked drawing a knife.  "If that stench is natural then I'm a graduate of finishing school."

Faith punched out a grating and dropped into the room below.  "Hey ugly!" she yelled.

Wesley dropped besides her, pulling a short-handled battle-ax from his belt just in time to see the purplish alligator-looking demon swing its snout toward Faith.

"Yeah, I'm talking to you!" Faith taunted.  "Come on, catch me if you can."

The demon took a step toward them.  Faith threw her dagger; it's sunk to the hilt in the shoulder joint of the creature's foreleg.

"Time to go," Faith said as she and Wesley turned to run.  

About a hundred yards further down the tunnel Faith skidded to a stop.  "Oh screw this," She said.  "Slayers don't run away."

"Faith!" Wesley protested stopping as well.  "What about the plan?  What about your promise?"  

"I'm the * Slayer *, I can handle this," Faith replied darting in and ripping her dagger free of the demon's body, then dancing back out of range of it's teeth.

"We will be discussing this later," Wesley said moving to join the fight.

"No," Dawn said shaking her head.  "Spike wouldn't have done that."

"Because he's such a fine upstanding citizen?" Xander asked sarcastically.

"Because I told him to leave you alone!" Dawn snapped.

"That's hardly proof of his innocence," Anya said.

"You don't understand," Dawn cried.  "Spike needs me."

"And Xander's been trying to take you away from him," Willow pointed out.  "If you two showed me the chest I have a spell that might clear things up a little."

"Ribs?" Angel asked, noting how Faith moved.

"Cracked, at least three of 'em," she replied.  

"I'll go get the tape," Cordy said.

"The Zekary caught up with you before you got to the ledges?" Angel asked frowning.  "I should have come."

"We would have been fine if Faith had stuck with the plan." Wesley said glaring at Faith.

"Oh," Angel said.  "Gunn how did things go on you're end?"

Gunn grinned and wiped the ash off his face.  "Toasted 'em." he said unshouldered the flame-thrower.

"Good to hear," Angel replied helping Faith to a chair.

"Don't worry Angel, Slayer healing remember?"  Faith said.  "I'll be good by morning."

"Slayers can still die," Angel said quietly.

"Slayers are meant to die," Faith replied.  "I'll be twenty-six in a few months.  No Slayer's ever lived that long, not in the entire history of the Council.  Course I'm the only Slayer in their history to take a five year state enforced vacation.  I'm already on borrowed time."

"Doesn't mean you need to be in a hurry to get killed," Angel said.  "Making amends takes time."

"All the time in the world doesn't do me any good if I don't use it," Faith said.  "I've been living like I'm dead for seven years, now I want to be what I was meant to be before I really am dead."

"I understand that Faith," Wesley interjected.  "But you agreed to do things our way."

"I'm sorry but…"

"No buts Faith," Wesley interrupted.  "There was a plan, you were supposed to follow it.  Instead you endangered both yourself and me for no reason."

"Deduco Apertum!" Willow commanded the little chest.

For a moment nothing seemed to be happening then a faint image of Xander and Anya peering into the chest appeared, a few seconds later their images were replaced by that of the demon that had opened the chest.  Then Spike appeared, running with the chest tucked under his arm.

Slowly the other three turned to look at Dawn.

The girl's lips compressed into a thin, angry line.  "I'll deal with Spike," she said.

"I think this is going to be a team effort," Xander said ignoring Dawn's statement.  "I can't take him by myself."

"You're both vampires," Anya said frowning in confusion and worry.  "Why aren't you as strong as he is?  Is there something wrong with you?  Did I do something wrong?"

"No, nothing's wrong," Xander replied.  "It's just that I'm less than a decade old and he's a hundred and thirty, in vampire terms that means he has an edge."

"What about Angel?" Willow asked.  "Didn't you and … the other me…"  
  


Xander laughed harshly.  "Angel almost stopped the Harvest, he's the reason why there were so few old vampires in Sunnydale.  The Master was really upset about that, when he rose he went after Angel personally."

"Oh," Anya said.  "So you were saying, team effort?"

"Right.  Spike can't hurt you because of the chip, you can help me stake him."

"We aren't staking him!"  Dawn yelled.

"Dawn, I understand you can't think clearly about him," Xander said.  "But this isn't like what your sister had with Angel.  Spike, the only version you've ever known, is evil.  He can't be trusted, no matter how much you may think he loves you, he'll always look to his own interests first."

"Yeah, well I am his own interests," Dawn said.  "Without me Spike dies.   I think that's reason enough for me to trust him."

"What?" Xander asked.

Willow shrugged, "He's addicted to her blood.  It's a key thing.  We figured that the withdrawal would kill him."

"How did he get addicted to Dawn's blood?" Xander demanded.

"I bit my lip while we were making out, geez, it's not a big deal or anything," Dawn said rolling her eyes.  "Spike wouldn't be Spike if he hadn't tasted."

"He started getting sick a week later," Willow said, picking up the story.  "It took Dawn and I two months to figure out what he needed, by that time he was bleeding internally, his convulsions were literally tearing him apart."

"Why didn't I know any of this?" Anya asked.

"It was during your hermit stage," Dawn said shrugging.

"Alright, maybe you can trust him with your life," Xander said.  "But what about the rest of us, he still tried to kill Anya and I."

"I'll take care of it!" Dawn insisted.  "He won't do it again."

"Why give him the chance?" Xander asked.

Dawn looked at him sadly.  "Do you think I could sleep with a guy for three years and not get attached?" she asked.

"Angel, this is a surprise," Lorne said "You're looking a lot more together these days."

"Thanks," Angel said.

"Where are the others?" Lorne asked.

"Not here."  

"They let you out on your own?"  

"Please, not you too," Angel sighed.  "I'm not a child."

"'Course not Angel-cakes.  Come on, sit down, we'll catch up," Lorne invited.

As they settled themselves Angel began humming softly under his breath.  Lorne stiffened in shock.  "You did that on purpose," he said.

Angel shrugged, "I hate singing and your patrons hate it when I sing."

"You already knew, why'd you come here?  I don't want to know this," Lorne said.

"I didn't know," Angel replied.  "I've been having a feeling, then Faith said something that just resonated."

"What are you going to do?"

"Quit wasting time."

Spike looked around the townhouse, "Gang's all here, what's the deal?"

"We know what you did," Dawn said solemnly.  "They're here to be certain I deal with it."

"What is it I'm supposed to have done," Spike said with a smirk.  "It's not as if I can get into much trouble with my chip."

"You know what you did," Dawn said.  "So do I.  I don't want to see you for four weeks."

Spike's head snapped up, a trace of fear showed in his eyes.  "You can't do that, you love me."

Dawn's expression turned hard and angry.  "We don't have that kind of love," she said.  "Ours isn't the sort of relationship where anyone says 'I love you, I'd never hurt you.'  We have the kind of relationship where I say 'I love you, but if you break your word, if you even try to hurt someone, I'll leave you to die'."

"So that's the way of it then," Spike said sounding grievously wounded.  "Six years I look out for you.  I love you, but now you've got him to protect you, so you toss me out with the trash."

"Oh grow up Spike!" Dawn exclaimed.  "Four weeks will hurt, it wouldn't be much of a punishment if it didn't, but it won't kill you.  I don't want to kill you.  I want to keep pretending that what's between us is something prettier than this.  But don't push me, I will stand by and watch you slowly die if it comes to that.  Now get out of my sight!"

Dawn stood there and watched, her face hard as stone as Spike opened his mouth to protest only to turn and walk away when he saw her eyes held no room for compromise.

Once he had gone Dawn trudged slowly up to her room, tears trickling down her cheeks.

Faith sat in the main office organizing some files and trying not to look like she was sulking.

Following orders had never been a strong suit and even her new outlook on life couldn't change that.

Being scolded and made to do busy work for not following orders wasn't easy either, but she wanted to stay here, so obviously sulking or throwing a temper-tantrum then storming off to kill something weren't really options.  

She didn't see what she'd done that was so bad anyway; she just wanted to act like the Slayer.  Wesley didn't agree.

Faith took the files and moved back into a secluded corner where she could scowl and curse under her breath with no one the wiser.

"Wes, could we talk?" Faith's ears perked up at the sound of Angel's voice.  She looked around for the souled vampire, and then noticed the air vent over her head.  She considered the office's lay out and realized that her corner shared a wall with Wesley's office.

"What is it Angel?" Wesley asked.

"When are you going to quit finding excuses to keep me doing 'safe' jobs?" Angel asked.

"I don't," Wesley protested.  "It was simply the most efficient division of labor."

"Stop doing that," Angel exclaimed.  "There's always something.  Every time we get a case something comes up that, just by coincidence, keeps me out of the fight.  I'm tired of you manipulating me, of being treated like I can't handle reality."

"Very well Angel, no games.  You don't handle reality well.  I simply don't feel that you're ready to be placed into battle yet," Wesley said firmly.

"I've done everything you asked of me," Angel argued.  "I've talked more to Jeanie in the last six months than I talked at all in the previous century.  I've all but beaten that damn video game.  I'm going out socially.  It's been better than two months since the last time anything went wrong.  When are you going to quit coddling me?"  
  


"You agreed to abide by my judgment in this," Wesley reminded Angel.

"I expected you to be fair about it," Angel replied.  Faith heard the door shut behind Angel a little harder than needed as he left the office.

"Angel?" Faith asked, nervously peering into the warehouse.  Tentatively she wandered in.

Faith smiled at the warm welcoming air of the kitchen, "I've heard the kitchen is the heart of a home, but that shouldn't apply to a vampire's lair," she said talking loudly hoping to draw Angel's attention.

To her disappointment Angel didn't appear at the sound of her voice.

She found an office suit remodeled into a sitting room/bedroom combo, but was certain that it didn't belong to Angel.

On the far side of the warehouse's heavily cluttered main area Faith began sensing a vampiric presence.

She followed the sense up to a loft area about the main floor.  Faith subconsciously noted that the narrow, open stair would be easily defensible from above.

The most noticeable thing about the loft itself was the emptiness.  A few piles of books sat by a box alone the front wall, other than that it was barren of personal effects.  Angel sat curled on the bed, which was pushed against the back wall, deeply enthralled by the book in his hands.  The walls and the floor of the room where blank and the bed was the only furniture.

"Hi," Faith said awkwardly.  

Angel glanced up then set the book aside.  "Faith," he said.

"Nice place, very… uh… Spartan?" Faith made the last word a question, obviously uncertain if she had the right phrase.

Angel looked around himself as if he'd never noticed the room before.  "I suppose, it keeps the sun out," he said.

"It's different from you old place," Faith commented.

"I'm not interested in getting attached," Angel replied.  "It's just a place to stay until I get a few things taken care of, then I'll go home."

"Home?" Faith asked.

"Where the heart is," Angel replied, an odd smile tugging at his lips.

"Sorry I asked," Faith said a touch defensively.

"Don't mind me," Angel said.  "Sometimes my old cryptic guy routine crops up.  Was there something you wanted to talk about?"

"Yeah," Faith said.  "I was going to ask you if you wanted to patrol."

Angel looked doubtful.  Faith held up her hand silently asking him to let her explain.  Angel waited.

"I feel useless sitting on my butt all the time," she said.  "Slayers are supposed to patrol, take the fight to the bad guys.  I feel like the clean-up crew, not the protector I'm supposed to be.  I know what Wes and the other do is important, but it's not my place.  I even know why Wes doesn't want me on my own; he's afraid I can't keep control, that something like what I did to Allen Finch 'll happen again.  I get that, so I'm asking you to chaperon."

"I know you used to patrol with Buffy, I know you have to miss it as much as I do.  Takin' the offensive, not waiting for victims to come to us, but saving them even before they know they need it.  The Agency's great, don't get me wrong.  You guys do a lot of good, but I don't contribute much, I don't have a place there.  What Wes'll let me do isn't enough to make things right.  Come on Angel, I just want to do what I'm supposed to.  Please give me a hand?" Faith pled.

Angel looked at her for a long moment.  "We'll meet here," he said finally.  "A half hour after the Agency shuts down for the night.  That'll give us several hours to patrol before dawn.  Neither of us needs as much sleep as a normal human would so Wes and the others shouldn't suspect anything."

"It's about time you started getting back into things," Buffy had announced once Faith left.  "But with her?  You'd really be better off on your own."

"You just don't like Faith," Angel said with a sigh.  "Cordy and Wes would be really upset with me if I froze up in a fight and got killed, Faith can watch my back."

"I wouldn't count on it, or her," Buffy replied.  "But really Angel, you won't freeze.  And if it did come to that I could snap you out of it.  Still you're right about Cordelia and Wesley; how are you ever supposed to get back in the swing of things it they keep being so over-protective."

Angel smiled a little.  "They're going to drive me crazy, but it's nice to know that they care."

"Friends," Buffy said warmly.  "You know they're real when they won't let go no matter how much you beg them to."

Angel laughed softly standing up and stretching.

"It's too bad you had to die for them to learn you were worth fighting for," Buffy said to herself, looking at the bands of slick scar tissue encircling Angel's wrists.

"About Faith though," Buffy pressed.  "You never worked with her, I have.  She get so caught up in the killing she forgets everything else, you can't trust her to watch your back."

"I'll be careful Buffy," Angel promised.  "But it'll still be good to have someone else with me to check my decisions."

"Angel!" Buffy exclaimed in frustration.  "Your judgment is like a hundred times better than Faith's and don't you forget that!"

Faith could have laughed; out here, moving through one of LA's darkened cemeteries, her senses open and alert she felt at home for the first time in years.

For the first time since her original Watcher's death she believed in what she was doing.  Slaying wasn't just an outlet for her fear and rage; it wasn't just an adrenaline rush that washed away all the uncertainties and pain in her life; those things were under her control now.  Slaying was the mission not just an excuse.

She'd been born to protect the world from the monsters and this time she wasn't going to run when things got tough.  Faith knew better than that now.

When Kakistos had brutally murdered the first person to believe she was important Faith had ran.  If the truth were told, she'd never really stopped running until the day she'd turned herself into the police.  

This time when the big bad came Faith was going to stand her ground and fight, the way a Slayer was supposed to, and if she lost… well that was how it was supposed to work:  One Slayer falls another is called.  Dying of old age wasn't really part of the deal.

But maybe it wouldn't come to that, at least not for a few years, Faith thought glancing toward her silent shadow.  She had someone she could trust to watch her back.

Angel ghosted through the graveyard, letting Faith take the lead.  They'd taken on two newly risen vampires that night, he doubted they'd find anymore, even in a city the size of LA, even with it's proximity to the Sunnydale Hellmouth.  It was probably time for them to move on to the more populated areas, where the various evil demons would have their actual hunting grounds.  On the other hand it couldn't hurt to let Faith's instincts guide them.

"Wyndom-Pryce here," Wesley said as he answered the phone.

The other person hem-hawed uncertainly for a moment.  "This is Quentin Travers," he said finally.  We… lost a Slayer-in-waiting, She and her Watcher's last known location was the LA airport.  The police just contacted me, Matthew's body was found there… there was no sign of the girl.  We have no other operatives near LA, I realize we aren't on the best terms, but Melissa isn't old enough to defend herself, every second may count."

"I'm already on it," Wesley replied seriously.  "Tell me everything you've learned."

"I think I got something," Faith said.  "This way."

Angel nodded, noting the leaves stripped from the bushes along the path.  He could smell blood on the branches, whoever had torn away the leaves had clung so tightly to them branches that blood had been drawn as they'd been drug away.  Together Angel and Faith followed the trail across the cemetery into a crypt.  

Faith skidded to a stop just inside the door.  A heavy-set man in a wizard's robe held a knife to a wiry, ten-year-old boy's throat.

The boy's eyes were white rimmed; they could hear his ragged panicky breathing from across the room.

Two other children, both bound and gagged, were tossed on top of a sarcoughagus.  A third child lay nearby, still and dead.  Faith made a soft choking sound as her eyes fell on the murdered child.  "You're dead you bastard," she snarled.

"Stay back," the wizard said pressing the point of his knife into the boy's flesh.  "I'll kill him if you come closer."

Angel stepped out of the shadows behind Faith, already in game face.  "Let the boy go… and I'll let you turn yourself into the police."

"Why would I do that?" the wizard asked.

"Because your other choice is to stay here, with me… until I get hungry anyway.  I've always thought evil people tasted better."

Faith glanced over at Angel then grinned, picking up on the game.  "You ate just before we left.  I suppose we could entertain ourselves by torturing him for a few hours first."

"Stay away from me!" the man shouted.  "I'll kill the kid!"

"You do that and what'll stop me for getting to you then?" Angel asked reasonably.  

The man's eyes slipped to the left.  Angel turned to see a shadowy vortex opening in the corner of the crypt.

"I've already summoned the first one," the man laughed.  "I think you'll have more to worry about then threatening poor, little, old me."

A paw the size of a dinner plate came out of the vortex, followed by a feline muzzle.

"Damn, that thing stands as tall as I do," Faith exclaimed.

The wizard slipped around the Slayer and out the door with his hostage as they stared at the emerging demon.

"Faith, go after him," Angel ordered.  "I'll deal with this."

Faith nodded and sprinted out the door.  Angel faced off against the large cat thing.  Finally, Angel thought, there was no division, no voice screaming that he would, inevitably, fail.  This wouldn't go on forever, Puppy knew that now and that part of him was willing to accept that they had to act because it was through action that they'd find an end. 

Behind the demon the vortex closed, much to Angel's relief.  "Just one of you to deal with, I think that's enough don't you," he said as he moved between the cat and the two bound children.

The cat feinted forward and Angel struck it across the muzzle.  It responded with a scream.

Once he was sure the demon's attention was firmly focused on him.  Angel began circling, gradually drawing it out of the crypt.

When it leapt at him, Angel ducked.  He grabbed its tail as it passed overhead.  Both of them landed in a sprawl.

Angel rolled to his feet only a beat slower than the cat, they snarled at each other.

The demon-cat took a swipe at Angel; he estimated its claws were about long enough to span his palm.  Angel dodged then spun and kicked it in the head.

The cat-thing shrieked.  Angel fell back toward the fence of metal poles surrounding the cemetery.

About two years short of the fence Angel turned and ran.  He wrenched one of the metal bars free, spun back and let the cat impale itself on his makeshift spear as it leapt at him.

Faith held back, hoping the mage would let the boy go once he felt safe. 

Several blocks later she was still waiting.  "He's just going to keep the kid and sacrifice him later," Faith though.  "I've got to do something."

Faith picked up a fist sized rock and, carefully judging her strength, threw it.  It struck the man in the back of the head.  He fell forward, his hostage beneath him.

Faith had a horrifying vision of the boy being killed by falling on the knifed, of him being dead because of her.

Her breath caught in her throat as she rolled the man's body off his prisoner.  The boy wailed in terror.  Faith sighed with relief.  The knife had made a long shallow cut across the boy's chest, but it was nothing that a bandage wouldn't set to right.

Faith slipped out of her jacket, she pressed the material to the boy's cut.  "Just hold it there," she told him.  "I'll call a doctor and they'll fix you up, it'll be five by five, trust me."

As she walked past the downed wizard Faith kicked him in the ribs.  "No," she told herself sternly as she drew her foot back for a second kick.  "Call the cops, let them take care of him.  He's human, you don't kill humans, even ones that deserve it."

Angel loosened the gag around the first child's mouth.  The tow-headed four-year-old immediately began to wail.

"Sh, sh," Angel soothed untying the boy.  "It's alright.  I've got you."

As soon as the child's hands were free he wrapped his arms around Angel's neck, clinging with a strength that surprised the vampire.

Angel continued making calming noises as he moved on to the other child, a seven or eight year old girl with long ebony hair and huge blue eyes.  There was something about her that Angel couldn't quite place.

It was awkward to untie one child with another in his arms.  Angel shifted the boy more to one side then sat the girl up and turned her so he could work on the gag.  As it came loose he was able to make out the words the girl was muttering.  "I'm a big girl, I have to be brave," she was saying over and over.

Angel turned her to face him and wiped the tears off her cheeks.  "You were very brave," he told her.

"Are you my new Watcher?" the girl asked.

For a moment Angel didn't know what to say.  "I'm not you're Watcher.  Faith and I were closer, so we rescued you."

The little girl nodded solemnly.  "Matthew said I had to be brave.  That he was going to go away for a bit and if he couldn't come right back the Council would send another Watcher to take care of me.  I tried to be brave and not cry, but it was scary."

Angel untied her hands, noting the deep slashes across her palms.  "You were the one who grabbed the branches," he said.  "That was smart.  That's how we found you.  You did a good job."

"I tried to fight like I'm supposed to, but he was too big," the little girl cried.

"You did everything right," Angel reassured the girl.  "Now we've got to finish rescuing this little one and get him back to his parents.  You're going to help me aren't you?"

The little girl nodded firmly.  Carefully not looking at the third child, the one Angel and Faith hadn't been able to save, the Slayer-to-be took Angel's hand and together they left the crypt.

"I knew a girl very like you once," Angel said as they walked.  "She was brave and beautiful and she fought monsters too…"

Faith sat beside Kate watching the police swarm over the cemetery as dawn broke.

One officer approached to them, cutting an unnecessarily large circle around the 'mutant mountain lion' Angel had killed.  "Your friend and the other two children are gone," the officer said accusingly.

"Did you expect him to just sit around in a cemetery with two kids who were probably scared out of their minds?" Faith demanded.

"I expect him to call us," the officer replied.

"Angel's a good guy," Kate assured the officer.  "But he's a PI, he's a little bit independent minded, probably figured he should get the kids home first."

"Then I think you should find him," the officer growled.

"I'll take Faith with me," Kate said.  "You're finished taking her statement right."

The officer frowned at Faith, "I don't like her being mixed-up in this."

"You heard the kid," Kate snapped.  "Faith and Angel are the heroes here, not suspects.  Now I'm going to go find Angel for you so he can give you his statement.  After that I'm taking Faith home, she's got a job to go to tomorrow."

"I'll be coming with you," the officer said.

"… Then the spell broke and Buffy was herself again," Angel was saying as Wesley walked into the agency, a small girl leaned against his arm staring up at him utterly enthralled.  "Spike didn't have a chance against her, so he ran away."

"And were her friends okay too?" the girl asked.  

"They were fine," Angel told her.  "Hi Wes, I'd like you to meet Lissa."

"Angel said you were a Watcher," Lissa said respectfully.

"Lissa?  Melissa?" Wesley asked.  The girl nodded.   "Oh thank the PTB… Angel how did you?  Wait… You're not supposed to…"

"Later," Angel said glancing past Wesley.

"Hey Angel," Kate said. "I hear you had a busy night."

"I take it you're Angel," an irritated voice said.  Wesley turned to see a man flashing a badge at them, as he pushed past Kate.  She offered them a sympathetic face.  Faith trailed after them looking uncomfortable.

"What do you want," Wesley said stepping protectively in front of Angel.

"Look, you may think you're some hot-shot private eye, but when you stumble across a murder you call the cops.  You don't just wander off with two kidnapped children!" the man yelled at Wesley.

"Johnny's parents came and got him," Lissa volunteered.  "I helped call them."

The police officer came further in and crouched down to bring himself to Lissa's eye-level.  "Are your parents coming too?" he asked gently.

Lissa bit her lip and looked away.  

"Her guardian was Matthew Travers," Wesley said quickly, he gestured to Angel.  "This is his cousin, Wesley Pryce, he's her only family in the States."

Lissa hid her face against Angel's shoulder.  "The bad man killed Matthew then he took me," she said.  "I tried to fight."

"I'm sorry," The officer said backing away.  "Next time, call the police," he said to Wesley.  "I'm going to need a statement from both you and the girl."

"I'll go first," Lissa volunteered walking into the inner office.

"She's very well trained," Wesley commented once the door shut.  "Now what were you thinking!"

"I don't need you to protect me," Angel hissed.

"Well it's done now," Wesley said.  "What do I tell him?"

"Faith and I, or should I say you, were looking into a case.  We saw signs of a struggle, followed the trail to the crypt.  We interrupted the killer; one kid was dead when we got there.  The guy took a hostage and ran out.  That's when the demon, make that a tiger escaped from the zoo, showed up.  Faith went after the guy.  I stayed to protect the other two children."

"You weren't supposed to be out on your own," Wesley sighed.  "Neither of you were supposed to," he added looking to Faith.

"Lissa's done," Angel said a few seconds before the door to the office opened.  Lissa hurried straight to Angel, he lifter her into his arms.

Wesley went to give 'his' statement to the officer.

"Come on," Kate said.  "I'll take everyone home."

"I could get technical and say you broke parole," Kate said as she drove away from the warehouse. "And you could get technical right back and say Angel was with you.  Then we could have a huge discussion over whether or not you were aware of the changes in Angel and that's he's not ready for this sort of thing, but we're not going to.  Those kids would have died tonight plus who knows how many others if the bad guy been allowed to loose several of those demon's on the city.  It's good thing you and Angel were out there, so I'm not planning on doing any reprimanding.  Next time though, I expect to be informed of what you're up to… before you get up to it."

"I did everything wrong and I got there too late," Faith said unhappily. "That one kid was already dead.  Brian got cut because I couldn't think of anyway to get the knife away from the bad guy…"

"As I understand it Slayer's aren't really prescient.  You got to the kids as soon as you could," Kate replied.  "I don't think Brian or his parent are complaining about you saving his life.  You did the best you could."

"Buffy would have done better," Faith said.  

Kate exhaled impatiently.  "You helped save three kids' lives tonight, stop belittling that."  

"Where's Melissa?" Wesley asked when he arrived at the warehouse.

"I gave her Xander's room, she needed some sleep," Angel said.

"Good to hear.  Now we can talk," Wesley said.  "Angel, what were you thinking?  You know better!  You could have been killed!"

"I'm fine Wes," Angel said.

"Nevertheless!" Wesley exclaimed.  "Don't you remember last time?"

"Forget about the last time," Angel said.  "Think about this time."

"How am I supposed to forget about that?" Wesley yelled.  "You almost died, you haven't even really recovered from the last time that happened."

"I hadn't then.  I know, I shouldn't have tried to go after Kelly's tormenter alone.  I should have gotten help.  I wasn't ready," Angel replied.  "But I'm alright now.  Besides living forever isn't actually a goal of mine."  

"So you're going to get yourself killed?" Wesley asked.

"No," Angel reassured him.  "I've tried dying for nothing, it's at the top of my list of mistakes I don't want to repeat, but living for nothing isn't that much better of an option."

Wesley rattled around the kitchen for a few minutes, gathering up the things for making tea, generally giving himself time before diving back into the conversation.

"I've spent the last six months dealing with the things that went wrong that night," Angel said.  "It's time for me to start living my life again."

"After everything that's happened it's hard to see you the way I used to," Wesley said.

"Good," Angel replied.  "Now try seeing me the way I am right now instead of the way I was when Anya first brought me here."

"She really went to school and dances and had friends?" Lissa asked Angel.

"It was hard for her," Angel said.  "Balancing her normal life and being the Slayer wasn't a walk in the park, but she had some of the best friends you could ever hope to find.  She had dreams to live for when another Slayer would have given up and died."

"Matthew told me friends are a distraction and I'd only get them hurt," Lissa confided.

"They can't be just anyone," Angel warned.  "You have to look for the special ones, the ones who need to make the world better as much as you need to.  It doesn't matter that they won't have your special powers, they'll find their own ways to make a difference."

"Pizza's here!" Cordy said nudging the door open.  "I don't know why they won't deliver out here.  Anyway, I put it in the kitchen if anyone's interested."  Lissa hopped up from the stairs where she'd been sitting and with a wave to Angel, ran for the food.

"The Council won't thank you for filling her head with stories about Buffy and her friends," Wesley commented looking up from his book.

"Lissa might, that's more important," Angel replied.

"Come on Angel, do you really think you can change years of brain-washing in just a couple of days?" Cordy asked.  Wesley frowned at her choice of words.

"I think we all need friends," Angel said.  "Even if you're told you're supposed to be alone for your whole life.  I hope when Lissa starts feeling lonely she'll remember that there was one Slayer who didn't buy that she had to do it all on her own."

"At least you're not thinking about maintaining contact," Wesley said.  "The Council's official position is that it doesn't recognize the distinction between normal vampires and souled ones."

"And Lissa's more of a long-term commitment than I can make," Angel said to himself.  

"What did you say?"  Cordy asked, frowning.

"Maybe Xander will be able to make them change their minds," Angel said.  "He doesn't have my history to overcome."


	6. Stealing Life

 Shadow Lives

Part 6:  Stealing Life
    
              "The Cliff Notes version? I want a normal life. Like I had before… 
    
                I wish we could be regular kids." – Buffy,  "What's My Line"

         "Big question. What do I want? (Thinks) Love - family - a place 

          on this planet I can call my own." – Angel, "Warzone"

"It's almost like old times," Willow sighed happily.  "You and me taking a quick break from patrolling to pick up a movie."

"Yeah," Xander agreed with a touch of sadness.  "The only thing that's missing is Buffy."

"I can't believe it was Anya who found a good way to bring back the dead and not me," Willow said.

"What Anya did had some pretty serious drawbacks Wills," Xander warned.  "I wouldn't wish my demon's memories on my worst enemy, let alone on Buffy."

"It's really that bad?" Willow asked her voice filled with concern, sympathy and something more.

"You can't ever hint at this to Anya," Xander said.  "She was only trying to help and I am coming to terms with it, but honestly I'm glad we didn't know about the curse when Jesse got turned.  It's better that we just killed the vampire he'd become."

"You wish you were still dead?" Willow asked.

For almost a block Willow's question hung in the silence between them.

"I don't want to die if that's what you're asking," Xander said finally.  "I want… I want to be forgiven.  I want to somehow make up for the things I did after I was turned… Who would have ever thought I'd be the one who'd finally understand Angel?  I want to be able to sleep without hearing my victims scream in my mind.  I want my innocence back, but I can't ever have that so I'll settle for having a great big light in the sky or something saying I've done enough good to cancel out the evil things."

"It's too bad Anya couldn't have found an alternate dimension where you weren't a vampire," Willow said, sounding lost in thought.

"Master Liam, you've a guest," Anna said.  

Buffy's mouth dropped open at her first sight of Angel, he was dressed in tan breeches and a white shirt, his long hair was neatly pulled back and strangest of all, he looked about nineteen.

"Mother, Father, if you'll excuse me?" he asked getting up from the table.

"You said we could go riding after lunch," Kathy protested.

Angel smiled at the five year old.  "I'll be right back Kathy-sweet, don't you worry," He promised then took Buffy's arm and led her outside.  

As they left the house Galway transmuted to LA and with the change in setting Angel's appearance shifted back to what Buffy was accustom to.

"That was your family wasn't it?" Buffy asked.  "Do you dream about them a lot?"

"More lately," Angel replied.  "I used to have nightmares about killing them occasionally, but now I seem to have switched over to happier times.  It's nice to remember them like that."

"I'll have to do this dream-walking more often.  You can introduce me sometime," Buffy suggested.  Then her expression turned serious.  "But right now you have to wake up.  Willow's going to do something bad, you have to stop her."

A slight woman with long brown hair shifted her book bag to the other arm as she leaned against the side of the phone booth in the corner of Sunnydale University's MU building.

"So what did my mom say?" she asked.

"She said yes, she's going to display my paintings," his voice reflected disbelief  "Maybe this is her way of saying she's finally accepted our marriage."

The woman snorted with a bitter sort of amusement.  "More likely you're just too good to snub."

"Whatever the reason she's giving me a chance, I'm grateful for that much," he replied.

"It calls for a celebrations," she declared.  "Dinner out?"

"I'm on my way to get the kids," her husband replied.  "I'll pick you up in front of the library."

"Good plan, the less time they spend with the Harris' the fewer chances they'll have to turn them against us."

There was a momentary pause.  "Xander and Willow are my family Buffy, and it's not as if I didn't give them reason to hate me."

Buffy sighed.  "I know, Xander's the one that found you after you tried to kill yourself, he really looked up to you, it very was traumatic for him.  You've told me before why I should excuse how he acts toward you, but the wreck and everything that happened afterwards was thirteen years ago, before I even met you and I feel like I've know you forever, so isn't that a bit long for him to still be upset?  It wasn't like you were yourself then… Why did Mom have to decide to talk to you on such short notice, she knows you work nights so we don't need a babysitter for the kids."

"Maybe she thought I'd have to bring them with me."

"Don't even suggest it Angel," Buffy ordered.

"They are her grandchildren.  And she's never even seen them," Angel said quietly.

"And she won't see them until she takes back disowning me either," Buffy replied.  "I let you set the rules with regards to your family, but Joyce is my mother so we deal with her my way."

Angel sighed. "She's the only grandparent the kids have.  Would it be so bad if we made the first overtures?"

"Angel," Buffy said warningly.

"Discussion over, I know," Angel said.  "I'll see you in fifteen minutes…  I love you."

"Love you too," Buffy replied irritation melting out of her voice.  

A minute later a bright flash of light surrounded her.  When it faded the spot where she had stood was empty.

Angel fidgeted nervously as the truck pulled on to the freeway.  According to the driver's logbook his next stop was in Sunnydale.

His friends were going to be furious about how he was handling this.  Actually if he stopped to think about it there were a lot of things they didn't like these days.

They didn't like him patrolling with Faith but they couldn't stop him, so they contented themselves with the promise that he and Faith would call for back up if they ran into anything more threatening than the run of the mill demons feeding on humanity.  They didn't like that he refused to be excluded from cases, but were gradually coming to terms with the idea.  Still, he didn't even have to ask to be certain they weren't ready for him to take a solo mission to Sunnydale.

And it didn't matter.  Buffy said it was urgent, she said it involved her.  He was going, and he was going to deal with things his way.  It was about Buffy.

Buffy pushed her long brown hair out of her eyes as she scrambled to her feet.  She stared around herself in alarm; she was in the middle of a circle drawn in sand on a plastic tarp in a bright cheerful kitchen.  The candles set at the four corners of the tarp and the dark robed figure were so out of place in the perfectly normal kitchen, it almost made it freakier than if they'd been in some dungeon.

"Buffy don't worry, everything will make sense in just a minute," the witch said in a happy voice, pushing back the hood of her robe to reveal coppery red hair.

"Willow Harris!" Buffy exclaimed.  "Are you out of you're mind?  I don't care what Angel says about staying in touch with family, you're never getting near our kids ever again, and I always though you were less of a freak than your husband."

Willow's eyes widened in surprise.  "Me and Xander?  Wow your world really is different," she said taking a step forward to examine Buffy more closely, as she did so her foot scuffed the line of sand encircling Buffy.  "…Wait a second 'our kids'.  Your and Angel's kids!?  Oh goddess, you have kids… This complicates things… but just finding a living you was so hard…  What if there aren't anymore?  Xander would kill me if I used a vampire.  I know what happens with a corpse, it's not at all nice…"  
  


Buffy backed away from Willow, her eyes fearful.  She felt the doorknob against the small of her back.

"Buffy?  What's wrong?" Willow asked.

Buffy turned and darted out the door.

Willow started after her when the phone rang, startled Willow glanced toward it and Buffy disappeared through a break in the hedge.

Angel considered enlisting Xander's aid as he walked toward Willow's place.  This wasn't his normal case, there was no bad guy, just Willow and a mistaken belief that time could be turned back.

He wasn't going to fight with her, just talk some sense into her and Xander's voice might carry more weight with Willow than his would.  Always assuming that Willow hadn't already talked Xander into her point of view, it certainly was a tempting one…

"Buffy you're sure Willow's plan can't work out?" Angel asked.

"You know it's wrong for about a bazillion reasons," Buffy said.  "Beside, if my soul is brought back it'll tear off the dimensional patch my death created.  We'll be in the same fix we were in when I jumped the first time.  Maybe the PTB would prefer if I sacrificed Dawn, but I can't."

Buffy sighed.  "Maybe that's what I was supposed to do and everyone would have been better off if I had let Dawn jump.  Maybe Giles and Xander wouldn't have died.  Maybe Willow wouldn't hate herself.  But in my heart I swore to protect Dawn long before anyone told me I had to protect the whole world," Buffy said.

They settled into silence for a few blocks then Buffy added.  "The PTB aren't exactly all knowing, they keep asking our minds to out weigh our hearts.  I know I should have let Dawnie jump.  She would have done it Angel.  She would have given up her life to save the world."

"She's your little sister," Angel said quietly. "How could she have done less?"  
  


"And that's why I couldn't let her.  They took my whole life, how could I let them have hers too?  Of course they got it anyway didn't they?  It's just like you and Darla; they thought it was 'fair' to expect you to feel the same about her as you would have about any other vampire.  But she wasn't any other vampire was she?  She was your family, like Dawn's mine and you can't just turn off your feelings about family.  They wouldn't be family if you could.  But the PTB won't accept that."  Buffy said angrily.

Angel frowned.  "What are you?" he asked.

"I told you."

"I wouldn't expect a representative of the PTB to be so bitter toward them."

"She's coming!" Buffy exclaimed.  "I can't stay.  I don't know what might happen if I get too close to her."

Angel felt Buffy's presence fade; a moment later he heard running footsteps approaching.

A petite brown haired woman crashed into him.  Angel caught her before she could fall and set her back on her feet.

"Sorry," the woman said backing away then she looked at him.  "Angel!" she exclaimed throwing herself into his arms.  "Oh god Angel.  I was just walking on campus, not five minutes after we hung up, then I was somewhere else and Willow was acting all freaky.  I don't understand what's going on."

"It's okay Buffy," Angel said.  "I'll explain it, I'll make it right."

Buffy smiled up at him.  "You always make me feel better," She said.  "But we are not letting your cousin or his wife baby-sit ever again."

"Buffy we need to talk," Angel sighed.

"Dawn, you have to listen to me," Spike said in a tight pain-edged voice as he pulled the slender girl into an isolated alcove at the Bronze.

Dawn shook off his hand angrily.  "I said four weeks, not two," she snapped heading back toward her friends.

Spike grabbed her by the shoulders and spun her back to face him.  "Look at me you heartless little bitch," he demanded shaking her until they both winced.  "Look at what you're doing to me."

"If I'm heartless it's dating you that made me that way," Dawn snarled back.  "Do you think it's easy for me, loving a guy who looks at my friends as fast food?"

"I save 'em for you, don't I?  I save all those cattle, you ought to show some gratitude," Spike growled.  "Instead you do this to me," Spike held his hand in front of Dawn's face letting her see the fine tremors that wracked his system.

"You shouldn't have threatened Xander," Dawn shot back.  "Remember what I can do the next time you think about hurting my friends!"

""You wouldn't be so bloody casual about torturing me if it weren't for Xander," Spike sneered.  "You think he can replace me.  Well think again little girl, you need me as much as I need you."

"I'm not the one who's going to be coughing up pieces of his innards if he doesn't learn how to behave himself," Dawn snapped.

"We'll see how long it takes for you to crawl back to me after your new champion's gone," Spike threatened stalking away.

Angel sat dejectedly on the hearth at the mansion.  Buffy crouched fearfully on the far side of the couch.

"I'd never hurt you," he said quietly.  "Please believe that."

"I want to go home," Buffy whimpered.

"Would it be so bad to stay here?" Angel asked reluctantly.

"I want my husband and my kids back," Buffy cried.

Angel looked away, his expression ashamed.  "I'm sorry, I felt… like I had to ask.  I'll see that you get home."

Slowly Buffy came out from behind the couch.  "Why do I believe you?" she asked.  "You aren't him, you're some kind of monster.  How can I feel so safe with you?"

Angel smiled a little, "It never made sense that you'd trust me, but you did.  I won't let you down."

"You know another me?" Buffy asked curiously.  "Like you're Angel, but not my Angel."

"I love her, like you love him," Angel said.  "Come on, lets see about getting you home."

"Where are we going?" Buffy asked.

"I need to have a few words with Willow," Angel said darkly.

"I don't like her," Buffy complained.

"She's your best friend," Angel said.

"She's Xander's wife," Buffy said with a roll of her eyes.

"That's different," Angel said.  "Xander's your other best friend here."

"Xander's your bitter, grudge baring cousin, the one you're still trying to make up with after years and years of him being a pain," Buffy said.

"Why?" Angel asked.

"I guess I've got to get used things being all weird here," Buffy said changing the subject.  "Why do we have to talk to Willow?"

"She's the one that brought you here.  Willow wanted our Buffy back," Angel said. "She forgot you'd have your own life.  She's the one that can send you home."

"Let's go."

As they walked Angel couldn't help watching Buffy curiously.  "We have kids?" he asked.  "I mean you and your Angel."

Buffy smiled suddenly and dug out her wallet.  "I've got pictures."

"A moonlight walk on the beach?" Anya asked uncertainly.

"I thought it would be romantic." Xander said.

"But this is Sunnydale," Anya reminded him.  "What if it's dangerous?"

"I'll protect you," Xander said.  "Besides, it's not like I could take you to the beach during the day."

"I like the idea of you protecting me," Anya said.  "Especially if it's not from anything overly dangerous."

Xander laughed.  "That's my Anh, always practical."

"I really do like it," Anya said.

"Xander?" Willow yelled running up the beach.  "I saw Anya's car and…"

"Wills, you are interrupting," Xander said smiling tightly.

"I brought another Buffy here," Willow said.  "Then she ran off."

"Is she a vampire?" Anya asked.  Xander tensed.

Willow glanced nervously at Xander.  "No, nothing like that, but she isn't our Buffy yet.  I don't know what she knows.  She freaked, it wasn't Slayer-like."

"What were you trying to do?" Xander asked.

"Isn't it obvious?" Anya asked.

"I guess we'd better find her," Xander said.

Angel touched the picture gently.  "She looks exactly like my little sister."

"I wish I'd known her, everybody says Marie reminds them so much of Kathy," Buffy replied.  "This is our son, Aaron.  The only person Aaron reminds anyone of is himself."

"I don't know, his eyes are like yours," Angel said.  "What's it like?"

Buffy smiled softly.  "We fell in love the day we met and got married as soon as it was legal.  We have two great kids, extremely hyperactive, verging on insanity causing kids, but I'd never change them.  It's perfect, just the four of us."

"Xander!  Anya!" Dawn yelled.  "Where is everyone when I need to warn them?"

Dawn banged on the door for a few more minutes then turned and ran down steps.  

"I hate Spike, why does he have to be like this," she thought.  "He's supposed to love me, so now he's good.  He's been good for years and years and years.  It shouldn't be like this anymore."

Dawn took an angry swing at bush.  "It isn't fair.  Why can't he just trust me?  I love him, I don't care that Xander doesn't like him.  I wasn't going to leave him no matter what Xander said.   But oh no, Spike can't deal with things like a normal person, he has to go out and try to kill someone."

"He made me hurt him and now instead of knocking it off he's even more determined to kill people.  Why is my life like this?"

"Willow," Angel said in a stern voice.

Willow, Xander and Anya turned to see Angel and Buffy walking toward them.

"You found her," Willow said with relief.  "Buffy, why'd you run off?  I was worried.  If you'd just given me a second I'd have fixed everything."

"No," Angel said.  "You're going to put her back."

"I have it all figured out," Willow argued.  "I pop out her soul and put in the right one, then everything's back to normal."

"No!" Angel said his voice rising slightly.  Buffy cowered behind him.

"It'll be just like the good old days," Willow prattled on.  "Buffy, Xander and I as best friends.  You dating Buffy, but no curse this time.  I'll bring back Giles and Jenny too.  Then they'll get married and everyone will be happy.  I can't bring Tara back, because of the magic problem but I could make Oz come home and forget all those worries about the wolf and Xander and I…"

"Then you'll make me disappear and cast a love spell on Cordelia and Xander so they'll be an item again, right?" Anya asked angrily.

"Why would I do that?" Willow asked.  "You're like the improved version of Cordy, you're a lot nicer to Xander.  Don't worry guys, I'll make everything perfect."

Staring at her in disbelief Xander slowly backed away from his oldest friend.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Willow asked.  "I know that I screwed up the first time I tried to bring Buffy back.  I didn't get it, I didn't understand what went wrong, so I just did my best to live in this awful place.  I didn't have any other choices.  Then Anya showed me the way.  Sure she messed up a few details, she brought versions of you two that were messed up.  There's nothing wrong with that Buffy and once I get rid of her other soul and clean up her mind a little she won't even remember ever being anyone else."

"It's what I should have done with you Angel.  Poof, no more memories from the hell-world Sunnydale.  I'm a little scared to try it now, I might get rid of the wrong soul, but if I had of taken care of that first then it wouldn't be a problem.  See I learn from my mistakes."

"What about my kids?" Buffy asked stepping forward to confront Willow.  "They have to grow-up without a mother so you can have everything the way you want it?  What about my Angel, should he grieve because you don't want to?  What about me?  What happens to me when you * pop out * my soul and get rid of it?"

"She has the life Buffy and I always dreamed about," Angel added, seeing Willow's determination waver.  "No demons, no vampires. Just a normal girl and her normal boyfriend, who got married and had a family and lived happily ever after; that's what Buffy told me she wanted about a month before she turned seventeen, isn't that right in the middle of those 'good old days' you want to bring back?  Even then Buffy wanted something else.  She wanted what this Buffy has.  What right do you have to take that away from her?"

"Anya got to have her life back," Willow said.  "I just need a few more people so I can have mine too."

"There was no one in our world to miss Angel or I," Xander said.  "No one not evil anyway."

He stopped and walked over to Anya.  "You know I love you don't you?" he asked.  "I've been trying to find the right setting, but I want this said before I finish what I've got to say to Willow.  Anya, I think maybe I should propose to you all over again, so much has happened.  But you're still wearing my ring, so either you really like it or the answer's still yes.  I'm hoping it's the latter, or even all of the above.  So I'm asking if you want to set a date instead."

"I'd like to elope," Anya said.  "Preferably in the next couple days, before anything can happen.  Then we can have a for-show wedding, with a dress and guests and a cake and presents, lots of presents."

Xander smiled.  "I think we could swing that," he said.  "Just please remember I love you and I want to be with you, but honestly you shouldn't have brought me back.  I didn't want you to spend the last five years of your life obsessed with my dying.  I wanted you to be happy, to live your life.  I would have waited for you, we would have been together in the end."

Xander took a deep breath.  "Do you really think Buffy or any of the others, would be happy if they could see us today?"

Buffy took out her wallet and handed the pictures to Willow.  "That's my family.  They're real people.  They need me.  I need them.  Send me home, please."

Willow bit her lip, staring down at a picture of Marie and Aaron splashing in a wading pool.

"Marie's in the second grade, she wants to be a writer when she grows up.  Aaron's five, he says recess is his favorite part of school," Buffy told her.  "Angel starting to get some notice as an artist, he'd love it if he could make a living that way.  I went back to college this year, now that the kids are both in school.  I haven't picked a major yet, but I really like this mythology class I'm taking.  Do people get degrees in that?"

"Okay, I'll send you home," Willow said, sounding defeated.

"Bloody bitch!" Spike swore kicking his TV over.  "She won't be so smug when he's gone.  I welcome the bastard; because I think it'll make her happy and now she thinks I'm expendable.  I'll show her who's expendable!"

Spike punched the wall, the stone cracked, his knuckles bruised.  He didn't seem to feel the pain.

He tucked a few stakes into his coat and stalked out of his crypt cursing Xander and Dawn under his breath.

After the spell was complete Angel walked outside and slumped on the front step of the townhouse.  A few minutes later Xander slipped out.  He stood in the doorway watching Angel for a few moments then asked, "You going to be okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" Angel replied.

Xander sighed but didn't dignify that with a reply.  "It's almost dawn, you could crash at my place and head back to LA tomorrow night."

"I don't want to impose," Angel said.  "I'll spend the day at the mansion."

"Oh yeah that's just what you need, a whole day trapped in there, reliving everything you and Buffy went through during senior year.  You won't be imposing."

"I'd rather stay at the mansion," Angel rephrased.

"Then I'll stay with you," Xander said.

"Alone," Angel modified.

"How'd you get here anyway?" Xander asked.  "I didn't think you'd bothered to get a car or anything since you've been back."

"Hitchhiked."

"Angel!  That's dangerous," Xander reprimanded on reflex.

Angel stood up and started walking.

"Okay, that was a stupid thing to say given who and what you are," Xander said.  "Where are you going?"

"To the mansion, it's almost dawn," Angel said not looking back.

Xander followed Angel.  "We should catch up, it's been months since I was in LA.  Has anything interesting happened to you guys?"

"No," Angel said. "Why don't you go home?"

"I'm going," Xander said taking a few jogging steps to catch up with Angel.

"Why can't you hang out in cemeteries like you're supposed you bloody home-wrecker," Spike complained.  "It's too late to get back to the crypt."

He slipped into the mansion,  "Guess I'll spend the day here and kill Xander tomorrow night," he said making his way to his former room.

"You're here for the day," Angel sighed.  "Now I'm going to bed."

"You don't want to talk or anything?" Xander asked.

"No," Angel sighed.

"Well good night, or good morning I guess.  We can talk later," Xander said.  "I've got dibs on the couch."

"There are beds here," Angel pointed out.  "Several in fact, the rooms are up stairs."

"You never answered me, what are you?" Angel asked once he was alone.

"I never told you I was sent by the PTB," Buffy sighed.  "Nobody sent me, I just came.  I was worried about you."

"When I died I let everything go.  I'd given them my life, shouldn't that have been enough?  And then there you were.  Somehow the instant I died my soul was drawn to yours."

"I was ready to let go, you weren't.  All I could see was how much I'd given up.  All you could see was what you'd left undone.  It's not good when the dead spend too much time worrying about the living, it's one way to end up a ghost."

"When your friends drew you back into their world.  I thought you'd have a chance to clean up all those loose ends that bothered you so much," Buffy said.

"What about the loose ends you left?" Angel asked.  "Dawn, Willow, Giles, Xander, you left them dangling."

"I gave them everything I could," Buffy said.  "Dawn's life was the only other thing I had to give and I couldn't surrender that.  I did my best Angel, then I let go."

Spike tossed and turned restlessly, the nagging ache that seemed to suffuse his body prevented him from resting.  It was driving him mad with need, he thought.  Giving up on the possibility of escaping into sleep he wandered into the mansion.

Upon entering the front room Spike noticed a freshly made trail in the dust leading up stairs.  Hopefully demon, demons he could fight, adrenaline was almost as good as alcohol for distraction Spike decided donning his game face.  

As he climbed the stairs a scent he recognized and loathed filled the air.  Spike's expression turned malevolent.  "Isn't this a nice coincidence," he said to himself.  "The very blighter I want to kill decides to spend the day in the same hidey hole I pick."

He followed the track to the first bedroom and kicked in the door.

Xander blinked sleepily at Spike.  "What are you doing here?" he asked.

Spike drew a stake.  "Figure it out yet whelp?" he asked.

Xander scrambled to his feet.  

Spike spun and kicked him in the chest.  "You wrecked everything," he yelled.

Xander grabbed the rug Spike was standing on and yanked.

Spike landed in a crouch then side-kicked Xander in the head.  "Dawn needed me before you came," he continued.  "She loved me."

"She never loved you," Xander spat shaking his head to clear it.  "You were her last option."

"I'm all she needs," Spike growled, the stake splintering in his hand as his fist clenched.  He felt a presence behind him and lashed out blindly.

Angel deflected the blow and punched Spike.

"You," Spike snarled, his molten eyes gleamed with an insane light.  "I'll kill you both," he hissed throwing himself at Angel.

Angel tossed Spike over his shoulder then turned to face him.

Spike snatched up a chair and used it as a club against Angel.  The older vampire fell back absorbing Spike's assault while he looked for an opening.

Xander grabbed the chair.  Spike twisted around and rammed the chair into Xander's face.  Xander reeled back.

With an enraged shriek Spike threw himself at Angel before he could take advantage of the distraction Xander had given him.  Off-balance, they crashed through the blacked out window.

Xander started toward the window only to be driven back by the merciless late afternoon sun.

Spike and Angel fell two stories into one of the mansions gardens.  

Angel screamed with pain as his landing drove the trellis of a long dead rose bush deep into his side.

Spike rolled to his feet, skin already smoldering from the sun but too far lost in rage to heed the warning.

Angel climbed to his feet as well, looking for shelter.  The bare exterior wall of the mansion and a tangle of brambles that didn't provide enough shade to shelter a rabbit greeted him.  He felt his blood rapidly soaking his shirt, sticking it to the wound in his side.

Angel caught Spike's next charge, dropping to his knees to add momentum to his throw.  

Spike smashed into the wall off the mansion.  Flames licked at his flesh.  He stood and took several steps back toward Angel then was consumed by fire.

Angel blinked at the ashes that had been Spike a moment earlier then frowned at his own, unburned hands in confusion.

Still frowning he started around the mansion to the door.  A wave of dizziness swept over him and he stumbled.

Angel pressed his hand to the wound in his side warm blood pulsed over it.  Angel held his hand out before him, turning it back and forth curiously.

His legs gave out and he slid down the wall.  Tilting his head back Angel stared up at the sun, slowly a smile formed on his lips.

"Forgiven," he said weakly.

A few minutes later Angel was distantly aware that Xander was calling to him worriedly, but he couldn't muster the strength to respond.

"He died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital," Xander said.  "They told me he'd lost too much blood, he went into shock, they couldn't do anything."

"But Angel is a vampire," Wesley argued vehemently.  "Vampires simply can't bleed to death."

"He wasn't a vampire, not then," Xander said.

"No, I don't believe it," Cordy said.  "The powers wouldn't have made him human only to have him die a few minutes later."

"Don't you get it," Xander exclaimed.  "From the minute he went out that window he was dead.  If he'd stayed a vampire the sun would have destroyed him like it did Spike."

"Why did you let this happen?" Cordy demanded angrily.  "Why didn't you protect him?"

"I couldn't!" Xander yelled back.  "He was protecting me!  I couldn't stop what happened!"

"He looked very peaceful," Anya interjected.

Xander took a deep breath.  "How do you think Angel would have preferred to die?  As a human or as a monster?  The PTB gave him what he wanted."

"Dawn?  Are you coming?"  Willow asked, standing outside of the locked door to the younger woman's room.

After several minutes Willow set the tray she was carrying on the floor.  "I didn't think so," she muttered.  "I'll be gone for several hours.  I'm leaving some food for you outside the door, like normal.  Eat up before it gets cold."

The door cracked open and Dawn's haggard face appeared.  "I hate both of them," she said.  "No, I wish I hated them, either of them, instead I get stuck understand."

"And that only makes it harder right?" Willow asked sympathetically.

"Yeah," Dawn said.  "Spike was being the evil demon he always was.  Of course he tried to kill Xander.  He thought Xander was a threat to him.  And Angel was a good person, of course he couldn't stand by and let Spike kill Xander."

"God, I didn't mean that the way it sounded.  I'm glad Angel protected Xander, I really am.  But I miss Spike.  I thought I'd changed him.  I thought I could make him change because he loved me.  I'm such an idiot aren't I?" Dawn asked, beginning to cry.

Willow wrapped Dawn in a tight embrace.

After several long minutes Dawn pulled away.  "I've got to get dressed for the funeral," she said.  "Don't worry, I won't make us late."

"They're burying you next to me," Buffy commented happily.

"Cordy and Wes aren't taking it well," Angel worried.  "I knew it was going to happen, but I thought I'd have more time to get them used to the idea."

"You tried," Buffy said.  "There are always going to be a few things you can't take care of."

"I probably should have just told them," Angel replied.

"Angel," Buffy sighed.  "You can't do this, you can't keep what-if-ing things.  If everything had of been different today would be different.  If you'd told them that you were going to die, maybe they would have stopped you from helping, then you wouldn't have shanshued.  If Dawn had of let Spike isolate her from everyone else, maybe he wouldn't have felt the need to kill Xander.  If you and I had of been different all those years ago, if we'd followed the PTB's plans instead of our hearts, maybe we'd have been rewarded with all our fondest dreams come true, who know.  Things didn't work out like we hoped that they would, I know that, but they worked out okay.  You did fix things between you and your friends.  You helped some more people.  You and Faith saved Lissa, there's a good chance that she and Xander will make the Watcher's Council join the new century in another decade or so.  And it's not like you're leaving anyone in a lurch, not like I did.  They'll be all right.  Dawn'll get over Spike; I think she'll be happier in the long run without him.  And you and I are together.  That's not such a bad ending is it?"

"I always hoped things would work out more like it did for the other us; marriage, kids, a normal life.  I thought meeting her should have made me want to fight against this ending," Angel said.

"Like I said, maybe it would have been like that for us if we'd made different choices, but we made the choices we had to make.  A white picket fence wasn't in the cards for us."  Buffy said.  "Come on Angel, it's time to go.  They'll be okay without us this time around."


End file.
